


Honestly

by only_mj



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Divergence, Cutting, Depression, Friendship, Gen, Headcanon, Implied Sheith, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mind Link, Season 1, Self-Harm, Smoking, Suicide mention, Support, Team Building, implied shiro/keith, mental health
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-27
Updated: 2017-10-03
Packaged: 2018-08-17 13:37:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 35,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8146018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/only_mj/pseuds/only_mj
Summary: “Allura for some reason thinks we are not being as open as we can be with each other.” Shiro explained with a subtle annoyance in his voice. “So… For the next few days we're going to start our training with these.” He held up the mind molding headbands. Everyone began to protest as he tossed them all their respecting headbands. “I'm not thrilled about it either, but The Princess seems to think that there is untapped potential in Voltron and we need to unlock it.” Shiro stood his ground, placing his own on top of his head and adjusting the against his temples and forehead.Lance reluctantly follow suit with this teammates. He realized that Allura and Coran had no way of knowing how dishonest humans inherently were. As a general rule, all humans lied. They stole, they cheated, they kept secrets. They did not believe in the same openness that the Alteans did. “So do we just like… Sit in a circle and think about our darkest secrets all morning?” Lance asked as a cynical joke.





	1. Honestly

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning: Self Harm

'Get out of bed. Get out of bed…' He chanted in his mind as he laid still in his small bunk on the Castle Ship. He knew he had to get up. It wasn't like he was back at school and could just call out sick for the day. Zarkon wouldn't give a quiznak if he were sick. 'Get up… Get… Up…' Lance let out a groan, sitting up with a forced finality.

  
He took his time getting ready, even though all he had to do was throw on the same clothes he had been wearing for probably weeks now. He honestly had no way of knowing how long he had been aboard the Castle Ship, and the Altean calendar did not really help in terms of calculating how many "Earth Days" they had been gone. All he knew was that it was a lot, far too many for his taste.

  
He was not surprised to find himself the last one to enter the training deck. Everyone else was waiting for him, annoyed looks on their faces when he flashed a wide smile to his teammates. “Mornin' everybody!” He greeted.

  
“You're late…” Keith scowled as Lance fell into place next to Hunk.

  
He let out a nervous chuckle. “Sorry. Slept in.” He replied simply.

  
“Lance, it's important that you arrive to training on time everyday.” Shiro scolded, arms folded over his chest. “Do you understand?”

  
He nodded obediently, but surprisingly quiet. He could feel Hunk staring at him. Lance knew that he knew. Neither of them said anything, though, as Shiro began to explain the training regimen for the day.

  
“Allura for some reason thinks we are not being as open as we can be with each other.” Shiro explained with a subtle annoyance in his voice. The other Paladins were sure he had gotten an earful from The Princess about the subject if he were bringing it up. “So… For the next few days we're going to start our training with these.” He held up the mind molding headbands. Everyone began to protest as he tossed them all their respecting headbands. “That's enough!” He called over everyone else. “I'm not thrilled about it either, but The Princess seems to think that there is untapped potential in Voltron and we need to unlock it.” Shiro stood his ground, placing his own on top of his head and adjusting the against his temples and forehead.

  
Lance reluctantly follow suit with this teammates. He realized that Allura and Coran had no way of knowing how dishonest humans inherently were. As a general rule, all humans lied. They stole, they cheated, they kept secrets. They did not believe in the same openness that the Alteans did. “So do we just like… Sit in a circle and think about our darkest secrets all morning?” Lance asked as a cynical joke.

  
Shiro let out a sigh. “According to Coran, ideally there would be no secrets between us. Obviously I'm not going to ask anyone to share anything they aren't comfortable with, but if there is something that the team should know about I would prefer that come to at least my attention.”

  
Pidge spoke up tentatively. “What counts as something that the team should know about?”

  
“I was thinking relevant medical information.” Shiro answered as though he had put a lot of thought into what Allura was asking of them. “Anything that I should keep in mind for the health and safety of the team.” He explained carefully as they all took their places to sit in a circle on the floor of the training deck. “As far as personal secrets or intimate information, though, I really don't feel like that's any of my business. And I would hope that everyone here would feel the same way.”

  
Lance let out a gasp, pretending to be offended as he spoke. “Shiro! Have you been keeping secrets from us? How could you!”

  
“Anyway…” Shiro rolled his eyes, ignoring Lance as he continued. “I don't feel like there is any harm in getting to know each other a little better, seeing as we're all going to be stuck here for a while. So if there is anything that you are comfortable sharing, now would be the time to do it.” He concluded, closing his eyes to focus and open his 'head hole'.

  
Everyone else closed their eyes as well, opening their link as much as each felt comfortable. Lance picked up on something that felt guarded. He was not sure if it was him, or someone else. He began to pick up on everyone else's memories and quickly shifted his thoughts to something he felt more comfortable thinking about. The last thing he wanted was Shiro calling them out on being guarded.

  
He took deep breath, exhaling slowly through parted lips. Lance easily thought about his family. He remembered playing with his younger brother and sister, reading them stories, and watching cartoons with them. His thoughts were easy and safe, but revealed nothing new about him to his team.

  
No one said anything as their thoughts and memories began to come together in the open. His memories of his siblings mixed in with other thoughts and Lanced began to try and guess who was thinking what.

  
He picked up on a memory that was almost familiar to him. There was an old burger shack down the street from a library. He remembered walking there after school and promising his mother that he and Hunk really had been at the library studying. He smiled at Hunk's memory, wondering why his friend had chosen that one. Lance's mind wandered as he pondered when he might get an actual burger next.

  
He saw a dog through someone else's mind. Did someone have a dog? The grey puppy rubbed up against whoever's side, curling up to fall asleep with it's head in their lap. A small hand reached up and rubbed the pet's neck behind its red collar.

  
Lance found himself annoyed that someone was thinking about that stupid shack in the desert again. It was obvious everyone wanted to go back home, but he thought Keith was being a little passive aggressive...

  
Someone thought of a cigarette and Lance could not help but smile. “Bro, same.” Lance blurted out as his chest burned with a familiarity from someone's memory. Their link began to close as he laughed. “Real talk, who was thinking about a smoke because if you have some you need to share.” He stated bluntly.

  
“Well I wasn't thinking that… But now…” Shiro responded with a laugh, taking his headband off and setting it beside him.

  
Surprised by the sudden memory of an unfamiliar burning in her chest and throat, Pidge let out a deep cough. She pulled off her headband quickly, tossing it to the side while she gasped for clean air. She wrinkled her nose in disgust. “What is wrong with you? Are you trying to kill us?”

  
“What? No! We would never!” Lance bantered back sarcastically, unable to stop himself from laughing at his teammate.

  
“We're on a ship in the middle of space fighting a Warlord.” Keith interrupted, a small amused smile on his face. “I don't think a cigarette is what's going to kill us.”

  
Hunk raised his hand timidly. “I'm not comfortable with the 'dying in space' conversation?”

  
Ignoring his best friend, Lance glanced over to Keith who sat across from him in the circle. “So do you have one?” He asked seriously.

  
“No I don't. And if I did, I wouldn't be sharing.” He answered back with a snarky tone.

  
Lance opened his mouth to argue, but was cut off by Shiro standing. “So that wasn't so bad.” He stated bluntly. “We'll just… keep doing that until… Allura is happy…” His voice trailed off as he shook his head, wondering who exactly the leader of their team was. “Let's head outside and practice our flying formations before lunch.”

 

-

 

“Not hungry?” A kind voice asked beside him as he poked at his lunch of green goo.

  
Lance shook his head. “No I… I am…” He answered, looking up to give Hunk a smile. “Just… takes some getting used to, ya know?”

  
Hunk shrugged, taking a bite from his own bowl. “It's not so bad once you get used to it. It doesn't look like much but it's totally packed with all sorts of nutrients and stuff.” He spoke with his mouthful. “You need to eat.” He added, giving his friend a concerned look.

  
Lance let out a sigh. They both knew. He graced Hunk with a nod before taking a small spoonful into his mouth. Lance did not pick up on it's usually obscure taste as he swallowed the tiny bite. “You don't have to watch me eat, bro.” Lance gave him a smile, shoving Hunk lightly when he noticed that other members of the team were looking over at them. “I'm a big boy. I got this.”  
The much taller Paladin gave him an incredulous look before turning back to his own lunch. “If you say so, buddy.” He muttered.

 

-

 

“Is… Is someone a vegetarian?” Hunk blurted out the next morning during their exercise. His tone concerned as he glanced around at his fellow teammates.

  
Keith huffed, folding his arms over his chest defensively. “What if I am?”

  
“Just when I thought you couldn't be any more pretentious…” Lance teased.

  
“Go fuck yourself, okay?” Keith snapped backed, earning a dark glare from Lance.

  
Before another argument between the two could break out, Hunk spoke up. “Are you really, though? Because-Because I've been messing around in the kitchen a lot and, honestly, I don't know what is in anything that I'm making.” Hunk admitted, genuinely concerned for The Red Paladin. “I have no idea if anything is vegetarian or vegan friendly or what allergens are in anything. I've just been… well… guessing… And hoping nobody gets sick.”

  
Keith shook his head. “I asked Coran about what was in the stuff he feeds us and I didn't really understand anything he said. But, I don't think Alteans eat meat either? So, I'm sure it's fine.” He flashed Lance another quick glare before turning his attention back to Hunk. “I appreciate the concern.”

  
Lance held up his hand, a smirk on his face. “So… Wait… You actually asked Coran if food goo was vegetarian friendly? What is wrong with you! Is that really necessary?”

  
Keith frowned, not enjoying being put on the spot. “Yes. It is. I haven't had meat in years, and if I start eating it now, I could get really sick.”

  
“Well we'd all hate that…” Lance muttered sarcastically.

  
“At least I'm trying!” Keith snapped. “We're all trying to share new things about ourselves to strengthen the team and get closer, but all you ever share is the same bullshit about your family and fucking coffee shops in your hometown! We get it. You miss Earth, but that's not exactly news anymore, Lance.”

  
Blue eyes narrowed across the circle. His chest felt tight as Keith of all people called him out on his lack of participation. It was horribly embarrassing having The Red Paladin accuse him of not being a team player. “Well… Maybe that's all there is to me.” Lance finally stated bluntly, joking tone gone from his voice as a more serious atmosphere shifted upon the Paladins.

  
“Bullshit.”

  
“You don't have to believe me.” He shrugged. “But I'm telling you, Keith, that's all I got. Sorry I'm not an interesting as you want me to be.” He turned to Shiro. “Can we be done?” Lance asked eagerly.

  
Their leader nodded. “Let's take a break and meet back here in ten.”

  
Lance gave him a quick 'thank you' before stepping out into the hall. He paced back and forth quickly, his head spinning. He felt awful for leading his teammates on, but he really did not know what else to do. He stopped, pressing his hands against he cool wall of the hallway. Palms flat and fingers wide he pushed hard against the wall, squeezing his eyes shut. He felt awful in general.  
“Lance? Are you okay?” He heard to his left.

  
He quickly pushed off the wall, taking a few steps to balance himself before facing Shiro. “Y-Yeah, man! Why wouldn't I be?” He forced himself to smile widely.

  
Shiro leaned against the wall, hoping his relaxed stance would calm down his subordinate. “I know it's hard being open like that, and I'm not asking you to share anything. We just need to know that we can trust you, and we need you to know that you can trust us. That's all the exercise is.” He explained calmly. “It's about getting to know each other and building trust.”

  
Lance shoved his hands into his coat pockets. “I know…” He muttered, not daring to look at Shiro.

  
He did not seem to believe Lance, but he also did not feel comfortable prying into anything that Lance obviously did not bring up. “Well if there is anything you ever want to talk about… and not want the rest of the team to know, I'm always available.” Shiro offered him a smile.

  
He knew Shiro could not see inside his head anymore, but Lance still hesitated. He finally forced himself to nod. “Yeah.…” He returned the smile. “Thanks, Shiro.”

 

-

 

The next day was torture rolling out of bed. 'Get up… Get up…' He thought, blankets pulled closely to his chest. 'You have to… Come on…' Lance forced himself to sit up, pulling the blanket over his head when he did to sit for a few moments in darkness. He let out a deep breath. 'It's okay… Just get up… You can't be late again…'

  
He ended up being late again, but he wore a wide smile on his face as he entered the training deck and his eagerness to get started seemed to pacify his annoyed teammates. He shoved the headband on and took his spot in the circle.

  
“Are you going to participate today?” Keith deadpanned, sitting next to Shiro and getting ready.

  
“Aren't you eager to find out.” Lance teased him with a grin.

  
“Don't force anything.” Shiro spoke, closing his eyes. “Just let it be natural.” His voice soothing across the group.

  
Lance let out a deep breath, trying to concentrate. He was going to do this. He could totally do this. He closed his eyes, trying to steer his thoughts in a direction that would appease the team.

  
“Do you… Own birds?” Pidge asked, interested in the thought that just appeared in her head.

  
Lance shifted in his spot on the floor. “Ah… My… My sister does…” He admitted. “But I always liked playing with them.”

  
Pidge nodded with a smile. “Matt had a couple budgies when we were kids. They're really weird.” She chuckled at the fond memory as Lance returned the smile.

  
“Very good, Lance.” Shiro encouraged, pleased that he was at least trying to open up. “Try sharing something about you now.”

  
Lance blinked, giving him a frown. “I… Just did…?” He questioned, wondering what more Shiro wanted from him. His memory flashed to the sad state he was in this morning. It was not for very long, but he was sure everyone else saw him laying wide awake in bed, blanket pulled up over his head. They all saw him panting with his mind screaming at his body to get up while he laid there unmoving. Lance scrambled to focus on something else. Anything else. He decided on his sister's birds, thinking back on their brightly colored feathers and their small beaks nibbling on his hair.

  
“Lance? Are you sure you're alright?” Shiro asked cautiously, not wanting to dip further into anyone's mind than he was allowed.

  
He let out a sigh, slipping off his headband just incase it could show when he was being dishonest. “So I haven't been sleeping well lately.” He muttered. “I think the whole, not having a sun thing is getting to me. I didn't think it was that big of a deal so I didn't think to mention it. Can we be done? Please? This is really exhausting…” He spoke quickly. He could feel all eyes staring at him. He dared to glance over at Hunk and met the worried expression of his best friend. There was no possible way he did not know.

 

-

 

Lance did not feel up to force feeding himself dinner that night. He used his previous confession to his advantage and let out a fake yawn as everyone else turned to head toward the dining hall. “I'm gonna try and get some sleep.” He uttered before retreating back to his room.

  
As soon as his bedroom door was shut behind him, he kicked off his shoes and threw his jacket onto the floor. He climbed back in bed and pulled his blanket up tightly around him. He let out a sigh. He was not tired, but laying down as all he could think to do. He rolled his left arm over so he could take a look at the thin hair-line scars on his forearm. He let out another sigh as his eyes slid shut, pulling his arm close to his body. Hunk swore up and down multiple times that no one could see them, but Lance was certain that they were obvious against his dark skin. He wondered if anyone had noticed them yet.

  
He heard a faint knock on his door. He squeezed his eyes shut, pulling his sleeve down as far as he could, even though the sleeves were not as long as he liked them to be. “What?“ He called out from under the covers.

  
“Hey, buddy, it's me. Can I come in?” Hunk's kind voice called out from the other side of the door.

  
Lance let out a sigh, knowing that he would not leave until he was let in. “Sure…” He muttered before hearing the door open and close.

  
He listened closely to his friend's movements. “I brought you some dinner. Surprise. It's goo.” Hunk joked and Lance let out a faint chuckle. He heard the bowl being set down and shortly after he felt the bed move as Hunk sat down. “Is it getting bad?” He asked bluntly.

  
After a few moments, Lance dared to peek out from underneath the covers. Their eyes locked for a moment before he nodded. “Well it's not great…“ He answered.

  
“Have you told Shiro?” Hunk asked.

  
Lance sat up, pulling his knees up to his chest before shaking his head. “No.”

  
“Have you tried asking Coran for like… I dunno… Altean medicine or something?“

  
“No…“

  
“Have you…” Hunk hesitated with his next question. “You know…”

  
He shook his head again. “No…”

  
“Lance…” His best friend warned. “Have you—”

  
“No!” He said with more assertion. “But I want to. God like… It takes everything I have not to think about it when we're all hooked up…” Lance shook his head, voice cracking as he stared down at his arms that he pulled up to his chest. “I… You know I didn't take my medicine the night we found Shiro. I mean, I didn't get a chance to. We were just supposed to mess with Pidge for a little bit, then go back to our rooms, and I was gonna take my pill, and go to bed. And now here we are… Who knows how many days out and…” Tears pricked at his eyes before he felt himself being pulled into a tight enveloping hug. “I don't know… I haven't felt this bad in a really long time, Hunk…” He sobbed.

  
Hunk held him close, allowing his friend to cry into him while he rubbed his back comfortingly. “It's okay. You know you're gonna be okay. You've felt this bad before, but you know that it passes.”

  
Lance sniffled, voice muffled by Hunk's chest. “Does it?”

  
“Yes.” Hunk said earnestly. “Would I lie to you?”

  
Lance smiled, leaning against him as he allowed himself to be comforted. “I should probably tell Shiro…”

  
“You should definitely tell Shiro…” Hunk offered a supportive nod.

 

-

 

The next day Lance did not try to smile when they started the exercise. His body ached and his mind felt numb from crying through the night.

  
Having stayed up with Lance most of the night, Hunk was equally as exhausted. While his friend seemed to be acting down, he had to admit that he was pleased Lance was being genuine for once.

  
As soon as he put on the headband, Lance realized what a mess he was. He found he could not focus on one thing at all. He would start a thought and immediately get sidetracked into thinking of something else. He could hear Hunk's distant voice encouraging him to relax. He took a deep breath and tried to focus on something simple or small. Everything in his mind was foggy. He saw grey. He thought of the rain. He tried to focus on the sound that raindrops made against his bedroom window back on Earth. He hoped it would be enough. It was the best he could do.

  
The memory evolved as the others dipped into it. The bedroom shifted from his own to Hunk's. He felt at ease in the familiar setting. The sound of the rain the only constant as everything else changed.

  
A flash of lightning lit up their minds and the setting shifted from Hunk's bedroom to someone else's. He did not recognize the room as his own, so he wondered whose it could be. The sound of the rain still beat against the window above the headboard. The dog someone thought of a few days ago whined and whimpered at the thunder in the distance, circling around on the twin-sized bed. The small hand pet the animal, calming it down as it snuggled close.

  
The room lit up again with a flash of light and everything changed once more. They were back in Lance's room. He was laying back in his bed, phone pressed against his ear as he whispered to the person on the other end in a voice low enough that he would not wake up his parents. “I can't… I can't…” He cried, barely able to hear his own voice over the rain. “It's too hard, man… I can't keep doing this…” He sobbed. He knew that everyone could see the scene through is eyes. He tried his best to stop it, but when the light from the storm filled his room everyone could see the thin cuts across his arm.

  
As the lightning faded, the room shifted and changed. The bed they were in this time was larger, enough for two people. Whoever Lance was supposed to be in this memory felt strong arms wrap around him from behind, pulling his back close to their firm, flat chest. Lance's thoughts shifted from anxious to immediately calm and he wondered whose memory this was. “It's okay.” He heard a familiar voice whisper in the memory. Whose voice was that? There was another clap of thunder, closer this time. The arms tightened around them. Lance could not help but feel strangely at ease in this scene. “There's nothing to be afraid of.” He heard Shiro whisper behind him.

  
All eyes snapped open. They all looked between each other, none of them daring to say anything. Lance wondered if that was Shiro's memory, and if it were, why did they not see things through his eyes? He wondered if everyone knew which memory was his. He knew he had a hard time figuring out who was who in their head space. He prayed that everyone else was the same. No one dared ask about what they had seen, everyone seemed hesitant to look each other in the eyes.

  
Shiro swallowed, he seemed flustered as he took off his headband. “That's… that's enough of that for today. Let's meet back here after lunch, alright?” He muttered. Everyone nodded cautiously, rising to their feet to disperse. Lance ripped off his helmet quickly, hoping to his feet to retreat into his room. “Lance. Hang back a second.” Shiro called.

  
Lance froze in place. There was no way that Shiro could know. He glanced over to Hunk who gave him a sympathetic look as he walked passed, leaving him alone in the training deck with their leader. Lance let out a sigh, turning back around slowly, hesitant to face him. “What-what's up, man?“ He asked, trying to sound as cheery as he could muster.

  
Shiro ignored Lance's attempt to put on a happy facade, instead cutting right to the point. “What was that? Your memory?”

  
Lance's shoulders tensed. He had promised Hunk he would talk to Shiro. Still, he had been hoping to do it more on his terms. “I-I don't know what you're talking about.” He lied easily. “How do you know that was my memory? How do you know that wasn't Keith or someone else?” He spoke too quickly, he was sure Shiro picked up on it.

  
Shiro gave him a smile, trying to come off as friendly as possible. “I can tell you for a fact that it was not Keith who was thinking that. Now talk to me. Are you really alright?“

  
“How do you know? ” He snapped. Lance folded his arms defensively over his chest. He felt exposed and embarrassed in front of Shiro. “Besides, you said you weren't gonna pry!” He barked angrily.

  
The older man let out a sigh. “I also said I would like to know about anything that could endanger the safety of my teammates.” He spoke seriously. “If this is something that you're actively doing then I need to know about it.”

  
“Well it's not. Okay?” Lance snapped back. “It was an old memory from a long time ago. I'm over it and you should be, too!” With that, he turned on his heel and stormed out of the training deck.

 

-

 

“So… You didn't tell Shiro…” Hunk muttered as they ate lunch in Lance's room.

  
Lance sighed. “No… I didn't…” He admitted, poking around his bowl.

  
“Why?”

  
“Do I need to?” Lance asked bluntly. “Everyone knows now anyway so it's not like it matters.”

  
“It does matter.” Hunk insisted. “Because you matter. I know that you haven't done it in a long time, but you have to tell Shiro what's going on with you so we can make sure that you stay on the right track.”

  
Lance rolled his eyes. He did not want to admit that Hunk was right. He forced himself to eat more goo, if only to pacify his friend. “It's just hard, ya know?” He spoke softly. “Like… having zero motivation and feeling nothing all the time… Especially when we're somewhere so cool doing such awesome things. Like… What's wrong with me?” He frowned.

  
He felt a kind hand on his shoulder. Lance looked up to see Hunk offering him a smile. “Your brain chemistry is just a little off. You know you're gonna be alright.” Lance returned the smile, thankful for the amazing encouragement from his friend.

 

-

 

Lance was relieved to find him alone in the rec room the next day. “Hey… Uhm… Shiro?” He called out, shoving his hands in his pockets as he stood in the doorway. “Is it cool if we talk?” He asked nervously.

  
Shiro nodded, giving him a smile. “Of course.” He held out his prosthetic arm to motion to the empty in-ground couches.  
Lance took a seat across the room from Shiro, resting his elbows on this knees as he spoke hesitantly. “So… You've probably figured it out by now but… I'm depressed.” He dared not look up at Shiro as he continued. “And not just like… I'm sad because I miss Earth but… I have major depressive disorder. Back home I'm medicated for it and I see a therapist once a week about it but… here I'm just…” He shrugged, leaning back in his seat. “Me.”

  
Shiro nodded, pleased that Lance was opening up to him, but also concerned at what this meant for his teammate's health. “Alright.” He accepted. “So this is ongoing?” Lance nodded. “Is there anything I can do to help? Anything you need?”

  
Lance shook his head. “Not really… I mean… it's just…” He struggled to find words to describe what exactly it was. 'Make it smaller', he told himself. 'Small enough to explain.' He waved his hand in the air awkwardly as he thought. “A chemical imbalance in my brain. That just… Makes me feel dead inside.” He let out a hallow chuckle, trying to make both of them feel better. “Talking about it helps… So… I appreciate your offer.” He admitted with a small smile.

  
The older man did not laugh at the joke, mind processing what he was being told. Shiro nodded after a moment, debating on asking the question on his tongue. “Is that where the cutting comes from? If you don't my asking.”

  
Lance took in a deep breath, his smile dropping. “No I… I don't mind.” He answered, looking down at his hands. “I used to… A lot back home… Yeah… I guess.”

  
“Lance, have you hurt yourself at all since we've been on the ship?” Shiro asked carefully, trying to be mindful of boundaries, hoping that Lance would be honest with him.

  
He shook his head. “No. I haven't.” He answered softly.

  
Shiro rose to his feet, approaching Lance. He knelt down in front of him so their eyes could meet. “Thank you so much for letting me know.” He said honestly. “I really appreciate it.” He rested his hand on Lance's shoulder. “Please let me know if you need anything at all, and…” He squeezed his shoulder. “Promise me you won't hurt yourself.” He begged.

  
Lance let out a shaky breath, forcing himself to give Shiro a smile. ”I-I promise. Thank you, Shiro.” He managed out, biting the inside of his cheek as the older man pushed down on the fresh cuts underneath his shirt.


	2. Moving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Story will take place during season one with some minor canon divergences.  
> Chapter takes place sometime during Episode Two: Some Assembly Required.  
> Lance realizes that he has made a terrible mistake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Details of Self Harm and Injuries.  
> My therapist decided that I should continue this story to help me understand my own mental illness better. I hope you enjoy taking this ride with me.  
> @only-mj on Tumblr

The two laid in silence for a long while, listening to each other's calm breathing, but both could tell the other was wide awake still in the late hour. Keith let out a sigh, rolling over in the small bed meant for only one person. Through the dark room, he could barely make out the features of Shiro's face. “I'm sorry.” He finally spoke in a soft tone. “About the other day during training.” He looked up into his partner's eyes, focusing on them through the dark. “With the rain and… What I thought…” He trailed off, embarrassed and worried that he was upset with him for outing them to the team.

  
Shiro gave him a smile, kissing him softly on the lips. “It was certainly surprising.” He admitted. “But I'm not upset with you.” He insisted. He had to admit that he thought it was sweet that Keith thought he was the cause of Shiro's worry. He pressed his lips to his partner's forehead, feeling guilty at his own lack of transparency between them.

  
Keith buried his face into Shiro's broad chest. “I wasn't planning on it or anything. I just…” He squeezed his eyes shut. “Whatever bullshit that Lance was thinking it… Made me feel like I had to get somewhere safe… So that's the first place my mind went…”

  
Shiro's arms around him tightened at the mention of Lance. He thought back to the conversation he had had with the young Paladin that morning. “He's going to be alright.” He said, although he was trying to convince someone.

  
Keith nodded, comforted by the arms around his body. He wanted to ask what Lance had told Shiro, but he also knew it was none of his business. He did not like that Shiro had to keep secrets from him, but Keith reminded himself it was not about just the two of them anymore. “Is there… Anything we need to do?” He asked carefully, unsure what he was allowed to know.

  
Shiro shook his head, planting another kiss on the top of Keith's head. “We just all have to be there for him. We have to all be there for each other now.” He replied simply, his eyes sliding shut tiredly.

 

-

 

Lance ran his fingers carefully down the scabs on his body. He did not have a mirror in his room, but he could still feel them ache. There were four of them running across the top of his shoulder down to the edge of his collar bone. Lance messed up. He had really messed up. His nails brushed against the fragile uneven skin, delicately pulling back the scab that covered one of the cuts. He winced as he reopened the wound. Blue eyes shut as he pulled his hand back, skin and blood underneath his well-kept nails.  
'Now what?' He thought, wiping the blood off onto this jeans. He had lied to Shiro's face about it. He had promised Hunk he would go to him first and he had not. He leaned back against the wall of his room. 'Now what?'

  
He felt anxious. He felt like he would not be able to face his teammates. He felt like he had to get out of the castle. He had to get home. He had to talk to his therapist. Lance pulled the skin off of another healing cut as he could no longer stop tears from falling.

 

-

 

Alteans did not exactly have first aid kits or bandages, Lance quickly realized after making the mistake of asking Coran, who immediately panicked at the thought of one of their Paladins being injured.

  
"I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine!" Lance yelled back over Coran. "Just... Ya know... Being preventative. Safety and... Whatnot." He trailed off, trying his best to cover his tracks before any unnecessary attention was brought to himself.

  
Coran seemed to accept the Paladin's response with ease. "Oh!" The Altean perked up when he realized no one was in immediate danger. "We don't really have a use for bandages or anything so primitive, I'm afraid. If anything did happen we'd just pop you into one of the old Cryo-Pods for a spell. It's much more sterile and the healing time is incomparable. I can show them to you if you'd like!"

  
Lance sighed, 'So much for that idea…' He thought. He offered Coran a smile, anyway, knowing he was trying to help. "Maybe another time... Thanks..." He gave him a small wave before heading out of the control room.

  
He shoved his hands in his pockets as he walked down the hall. His shoulder hurt, but he knew he was not allowed to complain. He let out a sigh, wondering what he was supposed to do with himself now that he did not seem to have anyway to cover the cuts or prevent them from re-opening. Again, he reminded himself he was not allowed to complain.

  
Lance froze in the hallway when a familiar smell hit him. An Earth smell. "No freaking way!" He yelled, jogging slightly to round the corner toward the scent.

  
Keith did not seem to notice Lance until he was yelling at him. He sat on the floor of the hallway, back against the wall, a small white stick between his fingers. Violet eyes blinked nonchalantly as Keith looked his teammate up an down, breathing out a small puff of smoke when he finally spoke. "What do you want?"

  
“What do I want?” Lance snapped, angry with the Paladin on the floor. “You said you didn't have any!” He huffed, pointing an accusatory finger at the cigarette.

  
Keith rolled his eyes before taking another hit off of his cigarette. ”I also said I wasn't sharing…” He muttered, stick hanging from his lips. A moment passed between the two of them. Lance standing his ground while he glared at Keith, breathing in the second-hand smoke every time Keith exhaled. Finally, the one on the floor rolled his eyes, opening one of the pouches on his hip to take out a half-empty box of cigarettes and a lighter. He held the items up to Lance reluctantly and the Blue Paladin eagerly took them.

  
Lance took in a deep breath of smoke, the burning starting in his lungs before spreading to the rest of his body. He took a seat next to Keith on the ground, leaning against the wall as he breathed out smoke. “That's some good stuff, man.” He smiled softly.

  
Keith nodded, not sure if he should say anything. He had not really been looking for anyone to spend his smoke with. He thought it was odd how quiet Lance was being beside him as they sat in silence. He remembered Shiro asking him to try and be nice to Lance. He remembered the memories Lance had shared. “You, uh, you doing alright?” He asked awkwardly.

  
Lance did not answer right away, surprised that Keith was even bothering to ask how he was doing. Still, he felt like he owed the guy an answer for taking one of his last cigarettes. “I've been better.” He responded simply, shoving the end of his stick in his mouth.

  
He wanted to scold himself for asking such a dumb question. It had been made very obvious by Lance's shared memories that the Blue Paladin was not doing alright. Keith had never been exceptionally empathetic, but he felt like he should at least try. If nothing else, it might help them form Voltron. “You know I get it.” Keith offered, taking Lance off guard. “The whole… feeling like you're drowning thing.” He continued as his teammate stared at him. “It's like… a hole inside of you that… Isn't easily filled…” He quickly took another hit off of his smoke. Never good with words, he hoped that he was making sense to Lance as he tried to 'be there' for him.

  
Lance raised an eyebrow. “Did Shiro tell you or something?” He asked bluntly, wondering why Keith was being so nice to him suddenly. He found himself annoyed that he was suddenly getting special attention from anyone, but especially Keith. This had been the reason he was so reluctant to tell anyone.

  
A perplexed look came across the other man's features before he shook his head. Smoke fell from his lips as he spoke. “You did. When we were connected.” Lance quickly turned away, staring down at his boots while Keith continued. “The way you felt when you… I'd felt that way before.” He swallowed, trying to keep his voice from shaking. “When the Kerberos mission… Failed… They said that everyone on the flight was dead and everyone started saying it was all Shiro's fault and I…” His voice sped up as his thoughts grew angry with the bad memories. “I really thought that I was going to die, too.” He admitted softly, tapping the spent stick out on the floor of the Castle Ship without a second thought.

  
There was a thick silence that filled the hall around them as Lance tried not to stare at Keith while finishing his smoke awkwardly. “Did… Did you ever… Do what you saw me do?” A small bit of hope filled him up as he asked. If Keith was in a sharing mood, maybe he had advice for the problem that tugged against Lance's shirt as well, he thought.

  
Unfortunately for Lance, his teammate shook his head. “No. Never that.” He answered bluntly and Lance let out a sigh. “After I was kicked out of The Garrison I had a lot of time by myself. I knew he wouldn't want me just laying around the house crying over him. So I started moving. Just like… Running, flying, boxing, exploring the caves, and climbing the mountains nearby our house. I felt like as long as I was moving then those feelings wouldn't be able to catch up with me. I felt like if I didn't wear myself out… I'd use the energy to do something I wouldn't be able to undo…” He admitted softly, glancing over at Lance.

  
Lance knew the feeling. He knew it too well. He was amazed that Keith knew, too. “Yeah… I… I get that…” He muttered, finishing the rest of his cigarette and leaning back to rest his head against the wall. He thought about what Keith had told him, trying to pick apart what he had said to see if any of it could be used for his personal self-care. A major difference between their situations stuck out, though. “So… Shiro is your… Boyfriend?” He dared to ask, knowing that he had already asked a lot from his quiet teammate.

  
Keith nodded, stretching his legs out before him as he shifted on the floor. He had to admit that he was annoyed that his love life was the part of his story that Lance had found most important. “Yeah.”

  
“So when we found him… Did your depression… Go away?” Lance asked carefully. Part of him secretly hoped that love was not Keith's cure all for depression.

  
He thought for a moment, trying his best to put his feelings into words that someone would understand easily. “It… It's gotten better. But… I dunno if it's just because I've been doing it for so long or what but…” He paused again to think. “If I go too long without training or working out I find myself anxious. I can't… Be still for too long.” Lance nodded to himself, thinking how that made sense. There was a small beat of silence as Lance processed the relatively good advice. Keith shot him a glare and Lance jumped slightly when Keith snapped at him. “You're… not going to make some joke about me being gay?” He asked, staring at Lance incredulously.

  
Lance blinked, turning his full attention back to Keith. He was not sure how Keith wanted him to answer the question, so he treaded cautiously. “Sh-should I?”

  
“You've been making fun of me for being a vegetarian all week!” Keith huffed. “And you have nothing to say about my sexuality?” He asked amazed.

  
Lance shook his head with a confused shrug, wondering what Keith was wanting him to do or say. "I mean… I could argue that your lifestyle is an unconventional choice that concerns me as someone who is living with you… But if your boyfriend isn't concerned about what you eat I guess I shouldn't be either.” He hoped that the joke would be taken well, he found that when he did not know what to say, usually a joke would fall from his lips whether he planned on it or not.

  
Keith buried his face in one of his gloved hands as he could not hold back a laugh as he listened to Lance's joke. “Oh my god…” He laughed. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” Keith asked more light-hearted than Lance had ever heard him.

  
Lance allowed a small smile to creep onto his face as he watched his usually serious teammate laugh because of him. 'More than you know, buddy…'

 

-

 

The next day Lance was on time to training. He figured if everyone was going to know about his mental health he could at least be courteous and not give them a reason to fret over it. “So I want to try something a little different today.” Shiro started after they had taken their seats in the circle with their headbands on. “A few days ago during this exercise, Lance shared something more… traumatic than what we were used to.” Lance opened his mouth to apologize, but Shiro continued to speak over him. “And reflexively Keith thought of what he would consider to be a safe place.” Everyone watched Shiro carefully, a few of them nodding as they remembered the comforting feeling that immediately followed the high stress. “I think we could use that to our advantage as a team. So, for example, if there is something that one of us might be struggling with or worried about, maybe someone else has an experience or advice that might help. If that's something that you all are comfortable doing.”

  
“So it would just be a way to support each other emotionally.” Hunk reiterated.

  
Pidge took the idea a step further and spoke up. “Because if we are all more mentally healthy, we'll be able to connect with our Lions and each other easier.”

  
Shiro nodded. “Right. We're definitely in a high-stress situation so I think anything we can do to lessen that will only make us stronger and able to function more collectively as Voltron.”

  
Lance did not speak up, instead he remained quiet in his spot. He tried not to be cynical, but he wondered what kind of advice anyone could give him in terms of his current problem that literally rested heavily on his shoulders. Still, if he was the only one to speak up against the idea, they would know he was hiding something. “I mean… it's worth a try, I guess.” He said reluctantly.

  
They all closed their eyes and focused their thoughts. “So, if there is anything anyone has any concerns about...” Shiro spoke calmly. “It doesn't have to be anything major or serious. We're a team, and we're here to support each other.”

  
Lance had a feeling he was talking indirectly to him, still he tried his best to keep his thoughts neutral. No one found it surprising when his thoughts drifted back to one of the abundant memories of him laying in bed. 'Awesome…' He thought, noticing that this time he was in his room back home. Everyone in the circle heard a knock at the bedroom door, followed by a voice. “Lance? Lance are you still in bed? Are you alright? Come on. Get up.” A woman called from the other side of the door.

  
The memory went black as he slid his eyes shut, letting out a deep breath. Lance really did not want to be the one sharing memories. Especially ones where he was so pitiful. Still, like a train wreck, he could neither stop it nor look away. No one seemed to be stepping up to take over the mind link, anyway. “I'm fine, Ma!” He yelled back at her, rolling over in bed to face his back to the door. Tears began to well up in his eyes as he stared at his arm. Through tears The Paladins could make out there were more cuts than last time they were in Lance's head.

  
Lance blinked, and the cuts were gone. He pulled back quickly and realized he was somewhere else. The new memories seeping into his head told him he was in Keith's living room. Keith's and Shiro's living room? Whoever's memory they were sharing rolled over on the futon, sitting up and wiping the tears from their eyes quickly.

  
As they rose to their feet Lance had a feeling that Keith was sharing again. He could not explain it, but he could just tell that it was Keith's memories. Lance wondered if maybe they really were growing closer as a team.

  
In the memory, Keith cracked his knuckles, letting out a shaking breath through his lips. He made his way across the small living room; stepping on or over fast food wrappers, discarded clothes, and dirty dishes. They all felt anxious. They all felt angry. Fists slammed against a punching dummy in the corner. The heat in their stomachs grew as his heart sped up. They were definitely not happy emotions Keith was feeding them, but Lance was amazed that he was actually feeling anything at all. Adrenaline pumped through them as Keith continued to work out, every so often a cry or grunt would escape his lips. His hands were sore from the dummy, but this pain felt different somehow from the pain in Lance's forearm from the last memory. It felt productive. Lance was starting to understand what Keith was trying to tell him the day before.

  
Keith pulled back from the punching dummy, wiping sweat off his face with the back of his hand. He was panting, but the aura in the small living room felt calmer. They felt energized, and while the anger was still there, it was not harsh in the forefront of the Paladin's mind. He rested his forehead against the dummy as they heaviness in the room dissipated.

  
“Very good.” They all heard Shiro say. “That's exactly what I had in mind.” He offered both Keith and Lance a smile as everyone opened their eyes to the training deck.

 

-

 

Lance had found that lately it was easier to eat alone in his room than with the group, much to Allura and Coran's protest that they should really be doing everything together as a team. His appetite was pretty hit or miss ever since he was forced off his medication. He was sure no one would say anything, but the idea of making himself eat while others watched made him uncomfortable.

  
More often than not, Hunk would join him for meals in his room. Lance was sure it was so his friend could make sure that he was actually eating, but Hunk insisted that he just enjoyed the company. “So that was really nice of Keith to help you out this morning.” Hunk stated as they ate their lunch goo, which was apparently different from breakfast goo, they were told.

  
“Yeah…” Lance muttered, poking the food goo with a spork. “I dunno. We talked a bit yesterday, too. It's… He's not that bad, I guess.” He had to admit that he had been surprised by all that Keith had done for him over the last couple of days.

  
Hunk gave the smaller man a smile. “Has training helped out at all?” He asked. “It seemed like being more active helped Keith out.”

  
Lance rolled his eyes. “What are you, my therapist?” He did his best to make a joke. He appreciated how much everyone was trying to help him, but he ache in his shoulder made him feel like he did not deserve the special attention. “Thanks…” He added after finishing off the last bite of his lunch. “For, ya know, looking out for me.”

  
“Not a problem, buddy.” Hunk smiled, patting him lightly on the shoulder.

  
It took self control that Lance did not know he had not to wince under the pressure on his healing cuts. Lance quickly pulled away from the kind gesture, hopping up to his feet. “Well we should probably get back out there, huh?” He started, picking up his bowl. “Don't wanna keep the rest of the team waiting.” He forced a smile, heading out of his room and off down the hall before Hunk could call after him.

 

-

 

Afternoon training consisted of fighting something called The Gladiator. The white robot dropped from the ceiling and immediately went on the offensive. "Great…” Lance muttered as he watched the training bot take out Hunk and Pidge with ease. He jumped back, shooting at The Gladiator with his laser gun as it ran towards him.

  
The bot seemed completely unfazed and soon it was right up on Lance. In a panic, he used the side of his gun as a shield as it began to attack him with its staff. He tried his best to keep his mind clear, but realized he was mostly focused on not getting killed. Surely Allura would not let them get killed in a training simulation?

  
He was hit in the side by The Gladiator's staff and Lance soon found himself flying though the air. His body collided with Keith's and the two Paladin's fell. He groaned as he landed hard on top of Keith's body.

  
The Red Paladin let out a cry for Shiro as he shoved Lance off of him, jumping up to his feet and picking his sword back up. It all happened so quickly Lance did not have time to correct as he was shoved to the side. He rolled, landing hard on his injured shoulder. The tender skin slammed against the hard surface of his armor. His hand immediately was on his shoulder pad, pressing down on the cuts as best he could.

  
He could hear Allura's voice in the distance just as his vision began to tunnel. The Princess began to scold them for what was definitely an embarrassing performance on their part, but Lance did not hear her. He was too focused on his arm. He had to get out of there as soon as he could. His ears were ringing, he tried to tell himself there was definitely no way that he was bleeding through is armor.

  
He thought that he heard Hunk asking him if he was alright as he excused himself as soon as he was able to regain a clear sight of his surroundings.

 

-

 

'Please stop… Please stop…' He begged as he watched his shoulder bleed in the mirror. “Quiznak…” He swore, turning on the sink. He cupped his hands under the water before splashing it onto himself, trying desperately to wash the blood off of him. Maybe it was not as bad as he thought it was. He pressed down on the tender skin around it, trying to inspect the wound as the bleeding slowed.

  
“L-Lance?” He heard a surprised voice call out to him through the bathroom, concern amplified as it bounced off the tiled walls.

  
His eyes widened as he caught sight of Hunk in the mirror behind him. He quickly turned around, pressing his hand to the cuts to cover them up. “Hunk! It's-Its not—”

  
“Not what? Not what it looks like?” He snapped, furious as he approached his best friend. The Yellow Paladin felt hurt as he stared at Lance, who wore a guilty look on his face. They both knew. They both wished that they did not know. He felt betrayed as he could see blood seeping through Lance's fingertips. The sight of the blood made the taller man feel lightheaded. He did his best to pull himself together as he scolded his teammate. “You promised, Lance! You promised you weren't going to hurt yourself! You promised that you would go to someone if it got this bad!”

  
Lance looked away, his hand felt sticky as he did not move. He was at a loss for words. He knew there was nothing he could do to make the cuts magically go away. He could feel dark eyes staring at him, assessing his exposed torso for more wounds and judging him for what he covered with his hand. “I-I'm…”

  
Hunk glared, leaning over Lance. “Don't say you're sorry, Lance.“ He warned.

  
“What do you want me to say, then!” He cried back. He felt so guilty. He felt so ashamed with himself. He squeezed his eyes shut, he could not bare to look at his best friend that he had disappointed. His shoulder hurt and his chest felt tight. “I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.” His free hand covered his face as he began to cry. “I know… I know I shouldn't… I-I-I-I don't know what to do… I'm sorry…” He sobbed as he felt overwhelmed with emotions. Everything that his depression had numbed him to bubbled up to the surface at once as he let out a choked cry. His secret had been pulled to the surface by his best friend and he felt completely exposed and helpless.

  
He felt strong arms around him, and he just wanted to disappear. He did not deserve the kindness that Hunk was showing him as he spoke. “Here's what we're going to do.” Hunk said seriously. “We are going to get you cleaned up. We are going to talk to Shiro. We are going to tell him everything. Then you are going to go get a good night sleep. And you are never going to do this again. Do you understand?” He pulled Lance away from him to look into the red and teary eyes.

  
Lance nodded, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. “Why… Why are you so being nice to me?” He dared to ask hesitantly, as though he were afraid he was imagining it.

  
“Well… If you're not going to be… Someone's gotta.” Hunk replied simply, pulling Lance's hand off of his cuts to finally get a good look at them.

 

-

 

After minimal protest, Lance agreed to change back into his street clothes after the bleeding stopped. He felt exhausted and completely drained, but Hunk was not going to let him out of his sight without coming clean to the rest of the team.

  
The remaining three Paladins were still in the training deck. Keith was helping Pidge with a few simple combat moves while Shiro offered pointers to correct her form. They all stopped when the doors opened to let in Lance and Hunk. Keith shot Lance a glare at the sight of him out of armor. “I hope you don't think you're done for the day.”

  
Lance glanced up at Hunk, wanting nothing more than to just bolt out of there. He gave Lance a glare, as though daring him to deviate from their plan. Lance let out a shaky breath. “I-I have something to say…” He muttered and in response everyone turned to give him their full attention. “I… Uhm…” It was not like Lance to be a loss for words. His struggle to say what he wanted concerned the other Paladins. “My depression has gotten really bad without my meds and…” He paused, unsure how to say what he needed to. No one spoke as they allowed him to continue. “I think I need help…” He managed out. “A lot of help… Be-Because…” With his hands shaking he pulled down the collar of his jacket and shirt off of his shoulder, exposing the four long cuts across his shoulder. They were tender as he moved his clothing, still sore from being reopened, now with a bruise forming around them where he fell that morning.

  
He could not bare to look at his teammates as he showed them. He closed his eyes tightly as they all stared at him, none of them sure what to say or do. Other than Hunk, none of the Paladins had ever seen anything like them in person. None of them were sure what the proper protocol was for such injuries.

  
It was Keith who spoke first, throwing his bayard down as he yelled at Lance. “If you were just going to hurt yourself anyway you could have at least told us so I didn't waste my time trying to help you!” He snapped. “Why did you let me share all of that personal shit with you if you were just going to ignore me for this fucking—”

  
“Keith, that's enough.” Shiro spoke calmly, resting a hand on his partner's shoulder to silence him. He turned his full attention to Lance, approaching his subordinate with a serious look on his face. “So when we talked the other day…”

  
His head felt foggy as he was directly confronted by Shiro. Lance felt his hands shake as he could feel the betrayed presence over him. “I-I'm sorry, Shiro…” Lance mumbled, looking down at his high-tops. “I… I didn't mean to. I just didn't want—”

  
“I don't care why you lied.” Shiro cut him off. “The fact is that you did. You lied to me and you got hurt on my watch because of it. That is not acceptable, Lance.”

  
He winced as his leader scolded him. He was not sure what he should say, or what his leader was expecting of him, so he just let out a pitiful, “I-I know… I'm sorry…”

  
“You can't keep these kind of secrets from your team. You can't lie to us like that.” Shiro continued. “We need you. Voltron needs you. And we need you well and we need you at your best.” He reached his hand out to rest it on Lance's other shoulder, but stopped when he realized he did not know the severity or location of his teammate's injuries. He let out a sigh, dropping his hand back down to his side. “We will help you Lance. I promise we will take care of you, but you have to meet us half-way. You can't keep stuff like this from us anymore, okay?”

  
Lance nodded, daring to look up at Shiro. He looked hurt, sad. Lance felt so guilty for making him feel that way. “I-I want to get better…” He admitted softly and honestly.

  
“I promise that you will be, but you have to promise to trust us.” Shiro reassured him, but something inside Lance told him it would be a lot harder than his leader made it out to be.


	3. Working Theories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Depictions of self-harm are mentioned heavily in this chapter.  
> November means NaNoWriMo, so chapter four won't be posted until December. See you then and be safe!  
> @only-mj on Tumblr.

When he stumbled to breakfast the next morning, he was not really expecting anything to have changed at all between he and the rest of Team Voltron. It was not that he was trying to be cynical, Lance just did not expect much from his teammates in terms of legitimate help. In his experience, offered help from friends usually meant 'I'm here if you need to talk', or 'here's the name of a therapist I found online.'

  
He got his plate of food goo and left the kitchen in the direction of the bunkers to eat in his room when he was stopped by a serious voice in the hallway. “Dining hall is the other way.”

  
Lance froze before slowly turning back around to face Shiro. “Uh. Yeah. I know. I was just going to eat in my room.” He responded nervously, motioning with is thumb over his shoulder. “Allura seems to think it's fine.” He added just for good measure.

  
Shiro shook his head. “Not anymore. We're going to eat all of our meals as a team from now on.” He stated simply. “Come on.”

  
Lance rolled his eyes, knowing it would not do him any good to argue with Shiro. He fell into place behind him, following him back to the dining hall. He took his seat next to Hunk who already seemed half-done with his breakfast, and did surprisingly little to acknowledge Lance's presence. He knew Hunk well enough to realize he was probably still angry, which Lance knew was more than fair on The Yellow Paladin's part. Shiro took his seat beside Keith who did not even bother to look up at either one of them. The four Paladins at their breakfast in silence for a moment before Lance realized one of them was missing. “Where's Pidge? You said we all had to eat together?”

  
Shiro swallowed the bite in his mouth. “Pidge is helping Coran with something.” He stated bluntly.

  
Lance's eyes narrowed as he challenged Shiro from across the table. He was surprised at how obvious it felt that he was being singled out from the other members of their team. “I'm not starving myself…” He argued.

  
“Just like you're not cutting yourself…” Keith muttered, poking at his breakfast mindlessly from where he sat across from Lance.

  
He wanted to drop a snide comment back at his teammate, but found he did not have anything profound he could argue. Lance knew he had backed himself into a corner. He had been the one to beg them all for help. He supposed he could not be too upset with how they decided to implement his request. Lance did not need the mind-melding helmets to feel the disappointment and anger in the room.

  
The four ate in silence until finally he had eaten enough that he was allowed to dismiss himself. He felt like he was back home, asking for permission to leave the table. It was embarrassing, and he dreaded the rest of the day to learn what else they would be trying with him.

He made his way back to his room to change into his armor, hands in his pockets as he wondered how long until everything would go back to normal. He knew he had brought this on himself. Still, the guilt of what he had done and how it had made everyone feel only made him want to hurt himself again.

  
Lance stopped short when he saw Pidge sitting outside his bedroom, typing something away on her laptop as wires connected her computer to the walls on either side of his door. “What do you think you're doing?” He snapped, rushing up to her side, looking over her shoulder as though he would be able to make sense of her work.

  
She jumped when he came up on her so quickly. She glanced up at him for a moment, realizing who was griping at her before turning her attention back to the monitor. “Modifying your door.” Pidge replied simply once she had regained her composure. “Coran showed me how the doors work, so now I'm just reprogramming the sensors so that it stays open.”

  
He could not believe what he was hearing. They were taking his door from him? His privacy? “No. No. No no no. You're not doing that.“ He responded, leaning down to try and take her computer away.

  
Pidge pulled the machine away from his grasp, swatting his hands away. “I have to. Shiro's orders.” She argued back seriously. She adjusted her glasses before continuing her work. “We had a meeting after you went to bed yesterday. Everyone's really worried about you.” Pidge continued, not looking up from the screen as she kept her voice neutral.

  
Lance had to admit that he was surprised that Pidge would admit to being worried about him. Lucky for her, he was not feeling up to give her a hard time about it. “I-I'm sorry, Pidge, I didn't—” He was cut off by his bedroom door flying open.

  
“That should do it.” She muttered, shutting her laptop and standing to pull the chords off of the walls where they were connected by the sensors. Before she turned to leave she paused, looking up at Lance seriously. “I don't really get it, honestly. I haven't really had a chance to research anything that might help. I just know that…” Pidge paused, not used to having a serious conversation with the man standing before her, especially about something that she was not well versed in. “The way everyone was talking yesterday… You can't, like, do that.” She readjusted the cords under her arm. “And everyone likes to think that you're smart enough to know that.” She huffed before sliding passed him and down the hall to her room, her door opening and closing behind her.

  
Lance sighed, turning to face his room, door still wide open.

 

-

 

He took his time putting on his armor. Every so often glancing up at the wide open door. He was not entirely put off by the fact that he no longer had one that shut. What upset him was knowing that they had been discussing his condition without him. He wondered what kind of conclusions they had come to about him. He wondered why they had kept him not involved.

  
All he was able to do while he got ready was cycle these implications. When he arrived at the training deck for their morning session, Lance was visibly annoyed. “You had a meeting about me?” He snapped, approaching them.

  
The rest of the team glanced between each other. They should have expected him to be angry. “We did.” Shiro answered honestly. “We needed to make a plan for how to help you.”

  
“And you didn't think to ask me?”

  
The Black Paladin approached him seriously, standing over him with a hard look in his eyes. “If I remember correctly I did ask you.”

  
Lance took in a quick breath, looking way from his leader to stare down at his boots. His anger quickly dissipated. He had to admit that those words hurt, but just like the ache in his shoulder, he knew he brought this upon himself. He tightened his hands into fists for a moment before releasing them, spreading his fingers wide. He took a deep breath before speaking, hands relaxing. “What did you decide, then? Other than my door?”

  
“Your door will remain disabled until we are sure that you can be trusted alone.” Shiro explained bluntly. “During the day someone will always be with you. All of our meals will be eaten in the Dining Hall. We're going to continue our morning training sessions with opening our minds, but we're going to try to shift the pressure off of you to share anything too personal. We feel it would be best to take that stress from you for a while.”

  
Lance accepted his last statement as an apology. He could tell that they were really trying, despite being angry with him. It was obvious that they had put a lot of thought into these new rules. He felt as though he did not deserve their help or kindness. He appreciated his teammates' effort, and felt anxious as he knew he would be expected to try as well. Daring to look up at Shiro, he muttered, “I'm sorry… again…”

  
“Don't tell us. Show us.” Shiro responded, turning back to the rest of the group to initiate their day of training.

 

-

 

Other than being followed literally everywhere, nothing seemed to change much around the castle. While the constant supervision did not allow Lance the privacy to hurt himself, it did not lessen his want to add to the almost fully healed cuts on his shoulder.  
Having to eat with everyone in the dining hall was certainly helping his appetite, he had to admit as he sat at the long table eating his lunch one afternoon. “Lance? Can I ask you something?” Pidge spoke up from her computer, typing with one had and holding her spork with the other.

  
He turned from his meal, giving her an odd look. It was not especially common for her to initiate a conversation while she was working. “Sure, I guess?”

  
“What's your official diagnosis?” She asked bluntly, not looking up from the monitor.

  
The question caught him off guard. He had mentioned that he was depressed, and everyone had initially excepted that as a final answer. Ever since they had informed him of his new rules no one seemed to be too terribly keen on talking about it. “Is that important?” He asked bluntly, know that there had to be a reason for Pidge to be asking such a question.

  
“I'm working on something that I think might be able to help you, but I need to know exactly what I'm working with. You said you were on medication, so you've been to a doctor, right? What exactly was your diagnosis?” Pidge elaborated.

  
He swallowed a bite of his food with a forced effort. He could feel everyone's eyes on him as she waited for an answer. “Major Depressive Disorder, Recurrent.” He answered with some hesitation. “They labeled it as 'severe without psychotic features' when I was first diagnosed a couple years ago, but my therapist updated my level to 'moderate' so I could be accepted into The Garrison.” Pidge nodded, typing something on the computer as though making a few notes about his answer. Lance studied her from across the table, watching her type, pausing ever so often to take a bite of food. He expected her to say something, or at least react in some way to his answer. When she did not, he felt it was his turn to ask a question.“So… What exactly are you working on?”

  
After another minute of typing, Pidge closed her laptop and slid it aside. “You know those cryo-pods that we healed all of those Galra prisoners in?” She started, not waiting for any acknowledgement as she continued. “Well, I have a theory that maybe they can be programmed to fix not only physical injuries, but work on a molecular level to fix chemical imbalances as well. If I'm able to get it to work, it should act the same as your anti-depressants by naturally raising the serotonin and dopamine chemicals in your brain.” She gave gave him a smile. She seemed very proud of herself.

  
Lance leaned forward across the table, returning the smile. He was skeptical about the idea, but interested in the concept. He had to admit he was impressed, it seemed that she had done a lot of research. “That… actually might work…” He admitted. Lance understood the science of why he did what he did. When his parents had discovered the cutting, he had been taken to hospitals, doctors, and counselors. He was well researched in self-harm and depression, unfortunately that did not seem to make it go away at all. Physical pain released endorphins into his body. The release of endorphins calmed him as well as diminished the feelings of pain and raised his mood temporarily. Obviously endorphins could be released by a number of ways, and there was no reason why the chemical imbalance could not be offset by means other than his pills.

  
Pidge nodded, a feeling of pride swelling in her chest as he seemed interested in her theory. “So your depression is chemical based, not caused by trauma?” She asked without a second thought.

  
“Pidge—” Shiro spoke up to scold her, but was cut off by Lance raising a hand.

  
“It's fine.” He reassured them. “I don't mind.” Lance continued honestly. It was oddly nice talking about it in such a normal setting, outside of his therapist's office or his parents dodging around the subject. “It's chemical. So. I mean… It's definitely worth a try.” He gave her a nod.

  
Lance glanced over to see that Shiro was smiling for the first time in days. It felt good to see him more relaxed, but Lance wished that the look at praise could be directed towards him. “I think that's a great idea, Pidge. Good work.” Shiro encouraged her.

  
The Blue Paladin gave her a smile as well. “Thank you for going to all of this trouble.” He said sincerely.

  
“Well… I don't have it working yet.” Pidge tried to brush off the compliments, feeling uneasy with all of the attention on her. “But thank you for being so open to the idea.” She rose, picking up her laptop and empty dishes. “I'll let you know as soon as it's ready!”

 

-

 

Over the next week, Lance never saw Pidge without her laptop and a notebook unless they were training. Every once in a while she would ask him a question about his medical history, but for the most part she seemed completely involved in her theory for helping him. He found it completely flattering and endearing. If he was feeling more like himself, he would have made a joke about her being smitten with him.

  
One day during one of their few breaks, he found her in the rec room, flipping through her notebook full of short-hand notes and quick ideas. She sat cross-legged on the in ground couch, absently chewing on a fingernail. “How's it going?” He asked kindly, sitting across from her.

  
She pulled herself away from her notes to look up at him. She wore a deep frown on her face that instantly made Lance uncomfortable. “It's… It's a lot more involved than I thought it would be…” She admitted with a sigh. Pidge turned her attention back down to her notebook, flipping through a couple of pages as she searched for some sort of update that she could give him. “I'm sorry. I wasn't expecting it to take this long.”

  
Lance sat up quickly, immediately worried about his youngest teammate. He had not been looking for an update on his project when he had seen her. He could not stop the feeling of dread when he realized that she had thought that was all he wanted form her. “That's not what I meant! I was just wondering—”

  
“I just don't want to risk something not working and you getting hurt! That's why—”

  
“Pidge, stop.” He said seriously, guilt ripping through him as he rose to his feet and approached her. She looked up at him and he could see how dull her eyes were with exhaustion. He was not worth all of this. He did not deserve this effort. He was not what should be keeping her up at night. She should be devoting her time and attention to her family, not him. He carefully rested a hand on her shoulder. “Pidge… Rest, please.” He begged softly. “There's no reason to push yourself this hard on my account. I'll be fine. I promise.”

 

-

 

When they put on the headbands the next morning they almost immediately found themselves back at Galaxy Garrison. Lance heard his voice and had to look up to see himself. 'Pidge?' He thought before he heard himself speak in the memory. “Hello? Pizza? Girls? Astronauts?“

  
He felt anxious as Pidge dodged his friendly offer. “S-Sorry, I don't have time to mess around with you guys.” She muttered, shoving passed them. “See you in the simulator…” He remembered this as the day they met Pidge. He regretfully remembered thinking how rude this guy was.

  
The anxiety that Pidge was sharing did not go away as she locked herself in her dorm room. The lights were off, but everything was familiar enough that they did not need them to see. She pressed a hand hard to her chest, finding it hard to breathe through stuffy clothing. “It's okay. It's okay.” Pidge whispered out loud into the dark room. “He's just. He's just being friendly.” She began to pace in her tiny room, careful to step over the cords that ran across the floor, connecting various spare parts to each other in a way that made the room seem even smaller. “Just go out and meet girls." She scoffed, "Not that there's-there wouldn't be anything wrong with that. Right? No. I-I-I can't. I mean, that one girl in my history class seems nice but she's only being nice to me because she doesn't actually know me, right? I mean. She wouldn't really have asked me out if she knew. What if she does know? What if everyone knows? What is her name? Abigail? Amy? Amanda? I think it's Amanda. Dammit!” She swore, tripping and knocking over a tower of hard drives by mistake. “Focus, Pidge.” She muttered, taking a deep breath as she closed her eyes. “That's not important. None of this is important.” Pidge turned to her bed, moving a few text books and loose sheets of paper to make just enough room on her bed to sit. “That's not why I'm here. I'm here to find Dad and Matt.” She took a deep breath, grabbing her laptop quickly and absently starting up her work for the night. She still talked aloud though as she began, “Hell, what would they think if they saw me this way? Wasting valuable time thinking about… Some… Girl…”

  
Everyone could feel tears start to push through their eyes as they blinked at the too-bright computer screen in the dark. As her vision blurred, everything shifted from her room to what looked like the bridge of a space ship. Things here seemed calm, but on-edge, a half-paid attention to conversation playing out somewhere nearby as their attention held pitifully to the printed pages of a book in front of them. Very suddenly they heard a voice to their left. "What about you, Shiro? Do you have someone waiting for you back home?”

  
They all blinked and looked up to see an older man, giving him a kind smile. “I…” Shiro started, and they could all feel his heart rate increase, the same anxiety from before rising from their collective chests into their throats. They could feel a hesitation and for some reason felt that they were taking too long to answer the seemingly simple question. “Uhm… Yeah, actually.” He answered hesitantly.

  
“I knew it! Girls crawled all over you back at the Garrison. Are you engaged yet?” A young man that resembled an older Pidge grinned widely, sitting down next to him to nudge his side with his elbow playfully. “What's her name?” He teased.

  
Shiro looked back down at his book, his face heating up as his brain spun fast trying to find the right answer to the question asked of him. Again, a sinking feeling rose up that told him he was taking far too long to answer. “Keith…” He answered softly, not daring to look back up at his crew members.

  
There was a pause, everything was quiet for a moment before he dared to look back up at them. Matt seemed unable to close his jaw as for once the talky Holt was wiped speechless. If only for a moment, “Oh? Oh! Oh wow! I didn't know! I'm so sorry!” He quickly apologized.

  
The entire team could feel Shiro's face turn red. “Ah-No it's… it's okay… I, uhm…”

  
The older man offered him a kind smile, it was genuine and, Shiro found, exactly what he needed to see from his mentor, “Well… I'm sure he's a lucky guy.”

  
The room grew instantly calm as Shiro returned Sam's smile. “Th-thank you, sir…”

  
"Of course he's a lucky guy," Matt chuckled, face still red from embarrassment but understanding and care becoming written throughout his features, "He gets to say he's with the first man to the edge of the galaxy."

  
Pidge's eyes snapped open at the memory of her father and brother. Tears were in her eyes as she looked across the circle to her leader. She wiped her eyes quickly, pulling her headband off and discarding it to the side. “Did that really happen?”

  
“Of course it did.” Shiro responded, giving her a smile as he rose to his feet to approach her. “The entire time I was with your dad and brother they never once treated me differently after finding out about Keith and I. I know if they saw you now they would be proud of you.”

  
Lance wanted to run away as Shiro took Pidge into a tight hug. She had been putting all of her effort into helping him instead of working toward her goal. He wondered what in her eyes made his struggles more important.

  
He felt his body go numb as he began to cycle the stress he was putting on Pidge to take care of him. She was putting her personal problems aside. She was not sleeping. She was stressed. Her mission was effectively on hold to make time for his. He was being selfish. He was being a terrible friend and teammate. He was so so selfish. He tightened his hands into fists, squeezing them tight for a moment before releasing the motion. He did this repeatedly, trying to shake the feeling of how badly he wanted a cut.

  
Hunk noticed Lance's hands and the familiar gesture. Lance caught him staring and knew that Hunk knew. “You alright?”

  
The question alerted the rest of The Paladins, who all turned to Lance. The last thing he needed was to take the attention from someone else. It was not always about him, after all. He was tired of taking everyone's attention for himself. Lance shook his head before pressing his palms flat to his thighs. “I think her name is Bridget…” He responded, flashing Pidge the widest smile he could muster.

 

-

 

The numbness did not go away for the rest of the day. He tried his best to work through it, hoping that training would make him feel anything other than the desire to trace over the new scars on his shoulder.

  
As soon as it was time to turn in for the evening, Lance had excused himself to his room. He heard footsteps following him down the hallway. He had grown used to being followed. Usually it annoyed him as the constant reminder that he could not be trusted alone with himself, but that night it did not seem to phase him. He glanced over his shoulder to see Keith following a few steps behind.

  
Normally Keith did not speak to Lance when it was his turn to supervise him. Lance had no reason to think that night would be any different until he spoke up. “You seemed distracted today during training. Everything okay?”

  
Lance turned around to face Keith, walking backwards down the hallway. “Yeah.” He lied easily. “Just a little tired. Weird sleeping without a door on my room.” Lying about how he was doing was easy. This was why he did not have a door on his bedroom. This was why Keith was escorting him back to his room. This was why his shoulder itched every time his clothing brushed against his tender skin.

  
He was worried that for a moment his teammate would see right through him, but Keith seemed to accept the answer easy enough to Lance's surprise. “Well. You know what to do, or not do, to get it back.”

  
Lance rolled his eyes, turning back around to walk forward. He wished that it would be another day where Keith did not try and talk to him during his escorting duties. “Yeah yeah.” He waved him off nonchalantly.

  
“Why are you fighting us on this?” Keith called to him, annoyed that Lance was turning his back to him. “You know it's stupid so why are you acting like it's hard for you to not be stupid?”

  
Lance whipped back around, stopping in his tracks. “Because it is hard. And I know it's stupid, but that doesn't make it any less hard.” He snapped. Keith stopped as well, keeping a fair distance from him as he was surprised that he was being yelled at. “You know that thing you said? About how you get anxious and jittery if you don't work out? Well, I feel that way if I don't cut myself.”

  
Keith blinked, hesitant to believe him. “That's… ” He frowned, trying to process Lance's explanation. “Really?”

  
“Yeah. That's how it works.” Lance replied defensively. “I feel horrible and I hurt myself and I feel better for like, a minute, and then I feel guilty, then anxious, then horrible again and it's a cycle and no one back home has ever been able to fix me so I don't know why you all think you can.” He let out a sigh, quickly turning back around before Keith could see that his eyes were filling up with tears. “I'm sorry that I'm not The Paladin everyone thinks I am.” He muttered as he continued the trek to his room.

  
He heard the second pair of footsteps again before he heard his escort's voice, softer and more hesitant this time. “How long had it been?”

  
“What was that?” Lance asked, not turning back around.

  
“Before last week, how long had it been since you last did that?” Keith asked, raising his voice to make sure he would be heard.

  
Lance did not have to think about the answer. He had been counting days. He always counted days. “Ten months and eight days.” He responded immediately. He used to be proud of that number. Now it just made him feel so much worse about what he had done, if that were even possible.

  
Keith thought for a moment, honestly surprised by the answer. He had not been expecting it to have been so long. He was amazed that Lance would throw all of that progress away for what seemed to be nothing. He wondered what he could do to get Lance back up to that number, or further. “I bet you can't make it a year.” Lance heard him, a teasing tone in his voice.

  
The Blue Paladin stopped at his room, turning to give Keith a glare. “Excuse me?”

  
Keith folded his arms over his chest, leaning against the wall beside him. “I bet you can't go a year without doing it.” He repeated, looking Lance up and down to challenge him.

  
Lance saw what he was doing, still he could not turn down a bet, especially when it came from Keith. “What do I get if I can?”

  
Violet eyes blinked, not having any sort of prize in mind. He had not fully thought his challenge through when he said it. “You get to say that you haven't hurt yourself in a year.” He wondered what else Lance could want.

  
He shook his head. “Nu-uh. That's not how bets work, buddy. What do I get if I win?”

  
Keith rolled his eyes. “I don't care. What do you want?”

  
He thought for a moment, tapping his chin. If he was being honest, what he really wanted was to go back home. He wanted to see his family again. He wanted his prize to be something that was definitely impossible. 'Make it smaller.' He reminded himself. He tried to think of something attainable. Keith was asking for something realistic, so he figured he probably should as well. He gave his teammate a wide smile. “You have to eat meat.”

  
Keith pushed himself off of the wall with a scoff. “Really?”

  
“If I go a year without it, you have to eat a full meal with some sort of meat. Whatever planet we are close to, whatever animal product they eat, you have to try some.” Lance stated eagerly, pointing at Keith as he rolled his eyes.

  
Keith thought for a moment about what he was asking of him. It might be worth it, if it got Lance to stop hurting himself. He wondered if it would be incentive enough. At the time, Lance seemed to think that it was. “Alright.”

  
“Wait. What? Really?” Lance blinked, not expecting him to agree so quickly.

  
Keith shrugged. “Why not? I can eat one meal.” He held out his hand to Lance.

  
He took the hand quickly and gave it a firm shake. “Heck yeah you can. And it will be the worst meal you ever ate!”

  
Keith let out a small chuckle, pulling away from Lance. “I hope so. See you at breakfast.” He waved, turning down the hall and heading into what Lance thought was Shiro's bedroom.

  
He let out a sigh and turned to face his dark room. The hallway was quiet and empty as he stood there alone. His room seemed so uninviting as his anxieties from earlier began to creep back into his mind. He wondered if it would have been too much to tell Keith that he did not feel like being alone, but they had been having such a light-hearted conversation he had not wanted to be a downer. He made his hands into tight fists before stepping inside, trying not to be bothered by the open door as he changed into his pajamas.

  
Once in the privacy underneath his blankets, he squeezed his eyes shut. He tried to focus on his breathing, counting the breaths in and out. 'In, two, three, four, out, two, three four…' He tried his best to relax, hoping he could fall asleep quickly and put the day behind him. He remembered the look on Pidge's face as Shiro held her and could not help but feel guilty for her pain. 'In, two, three, four, out, two, three, four…' He counted as he began to grow more restless in bed.

  
Long fingers brushed against the edge of his mattress, running down the length of the bed until he brushed up against his prize. Pulling a small blade from between where his mattress sat against the wall, he stared at it for what felt like a long while. The light from the hallway lit up the thin metal that captivated his attention. He twirled it around in his fingers, feeling the cool metal on his skin.

  
He thought about all of the stress he was causing everyone else. He could imagine that Pidge was probably still awake working. He knew he had just inconvenienced both Keith and Shiro by requiring someone to walk him to his room. He could still see the worried look Hunk gave him during training that day.

  
He did not want this. He did not want to feel the way he did. He especially did not want special attention because of it. He let out a deep breath, rolling up his pajama shirt. In the dark he did not need to be able to see what he was doing as he ran the thin razor across his stomach. He bit down on his free hand to stop himself from crying, just incase someone were to walk by.  
'Sorry, Keith. We can start our bet tomorrow.' He thought as he drifted off to sleep.

 

-

 

Training the next day was a nightmare. Every time he moved he felt a tug at his stomach. Lance insisted that he simply had a stitch in his side, but every step he ran and every hit he blocked he could feel the seams of his cut pull. He knew that he had put himself in a tight spot. He knew that it would be far too easy for him to re-open the wound during training. He wanted to swear, scolding himself for being so stupid to hurt himself in such a vulnerable spot. There would be plenty of time for self-loathing later, though, he thought as he narrowly dodged a swing from The Gladiator. It took all of his energy to keep his cut from reopening and when Shiro finally called for a break, Lance found himself far more exhausted than he should have been. He leaned up against a wall of the training deck, eagerly drinking from a juice bag when he heard his name called. He looked up to see Pidge giving him a wide smile. “Come on.” She urged, “I think it's ready.”

 

-

 

“So… I'll just… Stand in there for a few minutes a day and… Get better?” Lance asked incredulously, trying to follow Pidge's explanation as she spoke way too fast as she eagerly explained how the process was going to work while the entirety of Team Voltron stood around one of the cryo-pods in the infirmary.

  
She gave him a frown, rather annoyed with how much he was trying to simplify everything she said. “Y-yes. More or less, I suppose.” She responded. “Of course you won't see results immediately, like any medication it will take a few days for your body to get used to the change and before you'll feel any actual results. But I think if we try this for ten to fifteen minutes a day then over time you'll start to feel an improvement in your mood.” She explained while double checking the modified settings on the cryo-pod. “Obviously if you don't see any results after a couple of weeks let me know, and if you start to feel worse then you have to tell someone immediately. Understood?”

  
Lance nodded, picking up on the serious tone in her voice as she warned him. “Totally. Not a problem.” He responded casually as the pod opened. He hesitated for a moment looking into the open pod. It seemed so much smaller now that he was really looking into it.

  
He felt a firm hand on his good shoulder. Lance looked up to see Hunk offering him a small smile. “It's okay. We'll all be right here when you get out.” He promised.

  
Lance gave him a nod. He turned to see everyone else behind him. He felt a strange sense of pride as they watched him. He felt like he was really going to be able to help himself. He was going to be able to right his mistakes and fix the ways he had hurt his teammates. They seemed happy for him, and he hoped that soon he too would be able to feel that same feeling towards himself. He took another deep breath and climbed inside.

 

-

 

A few minutes felt like a lot when he stepped out of the cryo-pod. Lance felt light headed. Something about being in the healing chamber had really made him dizzy. He was amazed that everyone was still standing around the pod, expectant looks on their faces. “How do you feel?” Pidge asked eagerly, jumping up from where she sat on the floor and discarding her laptop.

  
“Like… I need to sit down…” He admitted, unable to stop the small smile creeping onto his face. Coming back into consciousness, he felt overwhelmed by everyone staring at him. Hunk quickly helped him sit down on the steps. The overhead lights felt too bright and everything seemed to move too fast. Pidge began to hover over him, asking him questions about how he was doing physically and emotionally. Even though he felt a little disoriented, he had to admit that it was the first time in days he was actually able to feel anything at all. He felt surprisingly calm. He did not feel like he was on the edge of falling into an anxious episode. As she chatted at him, he found himself taking a deep breath to yawn, arching his back slightly as he filled up his lungs.

As he stretched, he realized that the pain in his stomach was no longer there. The way the wound had been aching earlier, he definitely should have felt it. He gave Pidge his first genuine smile in weeks. “Pidge, I…I feel really good about this.”


	4. Brain Chemistry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance discovers that the Cryo-Pods can be a double-edged sword, and remembers the importance of self-care.
> 
> Trigger Warnings: Self-Harm, Graphic descriptions of injuries, Suicide Mentions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay! I had NaNoWriMo in November, then I was really really sick, then I was busy with family/holiday things, then I was sick again, then I just got back from a convention today. I'm really tired, but I promise that chapter five will be up a lot sooner!
> 
> Trigger Warnings for this chapter: Self-Harm, Graphic descriptions of injuries, Suicide Mentions.

“Okay.” Hunk started again, swallowing a bite of food goo. “Okay. So when we get back to Earth where's the first place we're gonna go eat?” He asked Lance in good humor.

  
Lance chuckled at the light-hearted question, poking at the green goo. Hunk had been discovering his way around the kitchen in the last week, and he did his best to make them decent meals, but more often than not it was just easier to eat the strange goo that the castle could make for them. Lance thought for a moment at the question. They both enjoyed these 'what ifs', these talks about what they were going to do when they got back home. It grounded them, gave them hope that one day they actually would see Earth again. Lance thought for a moment, taking a bite of the odd tasting slime. “Pizza Shack.” He answered confidently just after swallowing his bite.

  
Hunk frowned, rolling his eyes. “Seriously? Pizza Shack?”

  
Lance's eyes narrowed. “You got a better idea?” He replied back defensively.

  
The Yellow Paladin swallowed a bite of food goo, suddenly tasting worse than usual as they thought of delicious Earth food. He pointed his spork at Lance. “Dude. One word: Cinnabon.”

  
Lance shook his head. “What? No.” He scoffed. Shooting down Hunk's suggestion quickly.

  
“Why not?” He asked, offended that his hypothetical idea was not being taken seriously.

  
“Let me just… see if I'm hearing you correctly.” Lance started, ready to poke holes in his friend's plan. “After living in space for… however long this takes, after living on nothing but food goo, the first thing you are going to do is eat a Cinnabon? You're gonna put yourself into a coma! That's gonna be what kills you. Not Zarkon.”

  
“Well I think after saving the entire universe I will have earned a Cinnabon coma. Thank you very much.” Hunk huffed as Lance began to laugh. He could not help but smile at the sound of his friend's infectious laughter. It had been a long while since he had heard it sound so genuine.

  
Their conversation was light-hearted, but they could both still feel tension in the room between them. Lance knew that it was his fault for putting it there, and he was doing everything that he could to show his best friend that he was on the upswing to feeling better. He knew that he had driven the spike between them. All Hunk had ever asked was for him to be honest and safe, and here Lance had done the opposite. He let out a sigh as a silence fell between them. “So… Uhm…” He started awkwardly. “I'm… I'm feeling a lot better…” He said softly, looking back down at his food. “I mean, the feeling kinda comes and goes but, it's… It's better.”

  
Hunk offered him a smile. He wanted to believe him. He wanted to trust him again. He had his hesitations, but Lance genuinely seemed to be trying. That at least he could encourage. “Really? That's great, buddy.”

  
The Blue Paladin nodded. “Y-Yeah. I think so.” He admitted honestly. “I know that it's only been about a week, and Pidge says it would probably take two or so before I start really seeing consistent results. But, I dunno, right now I just feel really good. I mean, it's not all good all the time, but it's getting there.”

  
Hunk returned his smile. He was so happy that Lance seemed to be doing better. The worry that he had been carrying for weeks was finally starting to lift. Of course no one expected Lance to be completely fixed so quickly, but his honesty was something that meant the world to Hunk. He placed a hand on Lance's shoulder and his heart swelled with joy when Lance did not tense or back away from the contact. “I'm so glad to hear that.” He encouraged earnestly. “We'll get your brain chemistry fixed, yet. Just keep it up, okay?”

  
Lance nodded, giving him a smile. “I don't think anyone is gonna give me a choice.” He chuckled back.

 

-

 

It finally seemed like their training was paying off as they found they could form Voltron almost every time with little error. The initial strain of not being able to form began to dissipate as they grew more bonded as a team.

  
Lance could feel himself growing stronger as he continued to work out and train with the team. Keith had offered to help make him a training regimen and Lance was not sure if the exercise was actually helping him out, or if he was willing himself to feel that way, but he felt more capable than he had since basic so he found himself crashing Keith and Shiro's evening training nightly.

  
One evening after training he found himself completely exhausted. Keith really seemed to love wearing him out, and as he leaned against the wall of the training deck he thought that he might actually hate the Red Paladin. Keith's joke about how the right leg of Voltron should be great at leg day was only funny until Lance actually learned what leg day was.

  
Shiro flashed him a smile, jogging up to him like they had not just been working out for the last hour on top of a full day of Voltron Training. “You alright? Done for the day?” He asked, in a way that Lance knew he was not passing judgement, just curious.

  
Lance took a deep breath, trying to calm his breathing and shaking legs. “I think so. Is that cool?” He hated asking. He felt guilty that he could not keep up with Voltron's power couple, because he knew that one of them would have to take a break from their work out to escort him back to his room.

  
His leader gave him a nod. “Of course. You did good work today. See you in the morning.” He gave him a smile, patting him on the shoulder before turning to head back towards Keith.

  
Lance froze in his place. He stared wide-eyed as Shiro left him in the doorway without a second thought. That was not how this was supposed to go. He panicked, worrying that he was being tested somehow. “Ah, Shiro?” He called out, trying not to sound too needy as his head spun with confusion. “Should I just… Well…”

  
The Black Paladin turned back to face him curiously, as though he thought he had been clear. Keith turned to face Lance as well as Shiro's look turned back into a comforting smile. “Yep. You're good, buddy.”

  
Lance was not sure how to handle the pride that filled his slender frame as he gave them both a wide grin. “Th-Thank you, sir!” He beamed, turning to head back to his room. He could not help but allow himself to feel happy as he walked to his bedroom alone for the first time in weeks. 'Small steps.' He told himself as not to feel too silly about being excited for something so seemingly unimportant. Was this it? Could he count this as being better? He knew that it was a long shot that he could be completely healed in such a short amount of time, but he could not stop himself from feeling overwhelmed with pride at his accomplishment. Things were actually looking up for The Blue Paladin.

  
When he arrived at his room, he hesitated, though. The door was still stuck open. He still had the entire night ahead of him. Lance swallowed. He still had a ways to go before he had proven himself entirely to everyone. 'Small steps.' He repeated before stepping inside the dark room.

 

-

 

They had begun forming a routine among them. Every morning Pidge would swing by Lance's room to escort him to the med bay where he would spend a few minutes in a cryo-pod. Afterwards, the two would join everyone else for breakfast. Then morning training, lunch, break, afternoon training, Team Voltron meeting, dinner, then they were free until they all decided to retire to bed. Everything seemed to be falling into place and everything had seemed uneasily quiet on Zarkon's side.

Pidge tentatively knocked on the doorframe of Lance's room, not daring to look inside as not to invade his privacy. She faced into the hallway, back to the open door politely. “You ready?” She asked from the outside.

  
“You know the point of removing my door was so that you could see inside, right?” He teased, buckling his armor around his thigh. He always appreciated his teammate's consideration, but thought it odd as it widely differed from anyone else's and seemed rather counterproductive when one remembered why the door was gone in the first place. He rose from his seat on his bed, tapping Pidge on the shoulder to alert them that he was ready to go.

  
Finally turning to face him when she had the approval to do so, she gave him a shrug. “It just doesn't seem appropriate.” She answered as they two began to head towards the med bay. “I mean, I understand why it's gone and I think it's a fair idea. Locking the door open was definitely good suggestion that Hunk made when we were making our game plan for you. It just seems unnecessary and.. inappropriate to watch you get dressed in the mornings, you know? I know that we're teammates and supposed to be close and all. I mean, shoot, the showers on the castle are even open.” Lance could not help but smile as The Green Paladin began to ramble on. “I just think that we should be a little more professional and respect each other's modesty. Because really it's not—”

  
“I'm just giving you a hard time.” He finally decided to cut in, easing their worries quickly. “It's really not that big of a deal.” He explained. “It's a fair plan. Hunk probably knew I'd be expecting it, which I'm sure is why he suggested it.” Lance admitted. He had found it had been easier for him to be honest as of late. He wondered if the time in the cryo-pods was actually helping him.

  
Pidge frowned at the odd statement. She had never been one to back down from asking him a question about his history. Mostly she used the excuse that it was for her research, but Lance had a feeling Pidge was also horribly nosey. “Why… would you be expecting it?”

  
He had known the question was coming, but still found it difficult to answer. “I, uh, I was hospitalized, briefly.” He answered. “They don't like you to be left alone it you are… uh… high risk…” He did not want to actually come out a say it. He hoped that Pidge would follow his implications and accept his answer.

  
She glanced up at the man with a worried look on her face, but quickly turned away before he saw her staring. Pidge swallowed hard as they stopped in front of what was quickly becoming 'Lance's Pod'. “I… uh… I didn't know…”

  
Lance patted Pidge on the shoulder. “Most people don't. It's not something that I like advertising, you know?” He gave them a smile. “Don't worry about me.” He said seriously. “I've been feeling a lot better.”

  
She returned his smile as he comforted her. “Really? I'm glad.” Pidge responded earnestly as she booted up the pod.

  
It opened up and Lance stepped inside without a moment of hesitation. He turned around to face his teammate, flashing Pidge another smile before closing his eyes and doing his best to relax within the chamber. The glass shut in front of him for a moment, but after less than a minute, it reopened. A scowl crossed her young features as Lance re-opened his eyes, looking around confused. “What the…” She mumbled out loud, turning to her computer to scan the chamber for any malfunctions.

  
“Is everything alright?” Lance asked, leaning on the open frame of the pod as he watched The Green Paladin work. “I didn't feel like I was in there very long.”

  
“You weren't. Only about a minute.” Pidge answered, not looking up from her screen. “I'm not sure why. It worked fine yesterday…” She muttered. Lance waited expectantly while she continued to type frantically on her computer. She finally glanced up at Lance. “I'm sorry. Do you mind if I get Coran?”

  
Lance shook his head. “That's fine. I'll be here.” He answered, not moving from his spot in the pod.

  
Pidge turned to leave before stopping. “Wait. Wait. Do you need to come with me? Will you be okay by yourself for a few minutes?” She asked, turning around and rushing back to him.

  
That was certainly a loaded question, they both knew. Lance should be able to tell Pidge that, yes, he would be fine alone. The real meaning behind the question, though, was could he be trusted to be unattended? He thought about Shiro leaving him unattended the night before. He wondered if that was to be a one time thing, or if that was the new norm.

  
While currently felt fine and did not see a need for him to be monitored 24/7, he also had a sinking feeling that if Shiro had not told the rest of the team then it was probably supposed to act as a trial run. Lance shook his head. “I'll go with you.” He answered correctly as he stepped out of the pod, following close behind Pidge.

 

The two walked in silence through the halls of the castle. No matter how friendly everyone seemed to be, Lance could always feel how awkward it was for him to be escorted everywhere. “Sorry you have to do all this…” Lance muttered.

  
Pidge shook her head without a second thought. “If the cryo-pods are broken, Coran needs to be alerted.” She stated simply.

  
“You know what I mean…” He muttered, wondering why Pidge could not just take a simple apology. “I'm sorry that you have to spend your time helping me instead of yourself or your family.”

  
The youngest Paladin let out a sigh, keeping her eyes trained forward as they searched. “You're my friend, Lance.” She answered after a beat. “I don't mind.” She said honestly in a way that caught Lance off guard. “Voltron will only get stronger when we are all at our best. I know that once you're feeling more like yourself you'll help me in return. We can say that you'll owe me a favor. If it makes you feel better.” She offered, glancing up to give him a smile. “Besides, what kind of Paladin would I be if I turned my back on the needy and pitiful?” She teased.

  
The joke surprised him and he let out a gasp. “I am not pitiful!” He snapped back with a feigned hurt, a smile creeping onto his face.

  
“You're a little pitiful.” Pidge corrected. “This is the eighth time you've apologized to me this week. One more time and I'll stop being nice.”

  
“Oh! Is this you being nice right now?” He teased back with ease. Maybe the pods and working out were helping his mood.

  
The awkward heaviness that surrounded them had completely dissipated as they continued on, making the search more enjoyable. Soon they found Coran on the bridge with Allura. The Alteans greeted them warmly, although with some hesitation as it was unusual for the Paladins to be seen before breakfast unless called to do so. “Good morning, Paladins!” Coran smiled. “Everything alright?”

  
“We're having some trouble with the pods.” Pidge responded professionally. “Do you mind taking a look at them when you're not busy?”

  
Coran jumped up at the request. “Of course! Working cryo-pods are a top priority!” He responded. “I'll be right back, Princess.” He called back towards Allura, giving her a polite nod.

 

-

 

"What seems to be the trouble now?” Coran asked, inspecting the monitor beside the pods carefully, almost surprised the trouble was not obvious as just a week before the Green Paladin had nearly stripped the pod apart.

  
“Well, he gets in and we boot it up like normal, but now it's saying that it can't detect any injuries or abnormalities and spits him back out.” Pidge explained, hovering over the screen as well. “It worked yesterday. I don't know what could have happened.”

  
Coran twirled his mustache in his fingers thoughtfully. “Well these pods are made to heal physical trauma within an expedited amount of time.” He mumbled, almost sarcastically. “But you're not trying to fix injuries. Just your brain chemistry, right?” He asked, glancing up at Lance.

  
He inwardly smiled at how easily everyone had picked up on the term he had first heard Hunk use years ago when he had first been diagnosed. There was a hesitation in his voice, though, as he answered. “R-right.”

  
“But I've never had to differentiate the two before.” Pidge argued as Coran turned back to the screen.

  
“Haven't you?” Coran asked curiously as he began to type a few things into the machine. His eyes widened as he skimmed over something on the screen. He glanced over at Lance for a moment before quickly turning back the moment their eyes met. “Well, that is… Strange…” He said softly. Lance felt a familiar pit of dread sink into his stomach. Did Coran know? He wondered. “Why don't you go fill up on breakfast, Pidge. I'll look into this and let you know when it's back up and firing.” He suggested. The two Paladins hesitated when only one of them was dismissed. Lance sighed. Coran knew. “Hang back, Lance. I'll need you to test it out when I get it fixed.” He explained carefully. Pidge accepted this explanation with some hesitation and quietly left the two alone.  
Lance found it difficult to breathe through the heavy tension that filled the room the moment that Pidge left, door shutting quietly behind them. After what felt like an eternity, Coran finally spoke up. “According to the pod's history, it's been administering your altered brain chemicals and healing physical injuries.” He stated bluntly. “But since it's not detecting physical injuries today, it can't find anything to fix.” He continued, looking over the screen carefully. “Though it was working yesterday, Pidge said?” Coran asked rhetorically.

  
Lance hesitated, flashing Coran the smile he had been wearing all week. “I mean… That's weird. Have you checked for available updates?” He tried to joke.

  
The joke went over Coran's head as he raised an incredulous eyebrow in Lance's direction. “Alteans take pride in being an honest race.” He started. “When I am forward with you, I would hope that you could grant me the same respect.”

  
Lance sighed, dreading where this conversation was going.

  
“I don't understand what it is you do," Coran stated frankly, "But I can tell that the other Paladins are worried about you.”

  
Lance could not bear to look in the direction of Coran. The last thing he needed was to be reminded of how worried he always made everyone feel. “I know.” He muttered, not intending the words to be as harsh as they came out. He took a deep breath, making tight fists before releasing them. “Believe me, Coran. I know, and I am trying.”

  
He felt a hesitant, but kind hand on his upper arm. “I imagine that it must be difficult. With your… defective chemistry…” Lance frowned at the statement, the old term suddenly turning sour for Lance as the older man continued. “But your's is a resilient race. I can see that you're all trying. I'm sure you'll find the… Whatever it is you're missing.”

  
He supposed that Coran was trying to make him feel better, but hearing about how hard everyone was working to help him only made him feel worse. He had actually slept the night before without cutting, and now he was feeling guilty because that meant that the pods that Pidge had set up were not working the way they thought they should. Could he ever win? Could Lance ever escape it? Was this just his life now? He let out a sigh. “Honestly, Coran… It's… It's not as bad as everyone thinks it is.” He answered calmly. “I need you to believe me when I say I'm fine.” He near begged, finally daring to look up at Coran.

  
“The other Paladin's said that what you're doing is—”

  
He had a vague feeling what the others had said about him, Hunk in particular. Not wanting to hear anymore he cut Coran off, trying to conclude their conversation quickly. “It's more like… not socially acceptable.” He explained quickly, earning a confused look from the other. “Doesn't Altea have taboos?”

  
Coran nodded to himself, as though finally making sense of the strange habit that The Blue Paladin seemed to have picked up. “Ah. I see…” He muttered.

  
Lance could see some sort of contempt in his understanding. He passingly wondered what it was that Coran would associate his predicament to on Altea. Through this though, he could feel a subtle relief as Coran acted like he was going to accept the answer, no matter how his opinion may have changed about him. “So… Is there anything we can do to the pods?” Lance asked, hoping to steer the conversation off himself,

  
Much to his joy, the Altean immediately shifted gears back to the cryo-pods. “I should be able to overwrite the system so that it will still remain activated to administer your, uhm, treatment.” Coran answered, typing a few things into the screen at the pod's control station. “How long have you been planning on staying in there?”

  
Lance shrugged. “I think Pidge and I discussed ten minutes?”

  
A few moments passed in working silence before Coran spoke once more. “Alright. That should do it. Why don't you pop in and we'll see how that goes?” He offered, re-opening Lance's cryo-pod.

When Lance stepped out ten minutes later, somehow he felt so much worse.

 

-

 

The dining hall filled with an amazing aroma that could only come from Hunk's cooking as they all gathered around for lunch. Hunk carefully set a few plates of food down around them as he did his best to explain what everything was, despite not being too sure what the Arusian ingredients were. “So… I think, if I understood Coran correctly and if I did this right, these two dishes should be vegetarian.” He explained, pointing to two of the large plates before them. “But these two definitely are not.” Hunk offered Keith a friendly smile. “Sorry.”

  
Keith shook his head, “I appreciate the effort.” He returned their teammate's smile as he helped himself to a dish labeled safe for his diet. “Thank you.”

  
Lance helped himself to a rather large bite of some sort of Arusian meat-based dish. “This is amazing, Hunk!” He grinned widely, speaking with a mouth full of food. “Hey, Keith, I hope you're ready to eat a whole bunch of this soon!”

  
Keith did not bother to look up at Lance as he brushed off the comment. He poked at his meal roughly, stabbing the food with his spork. “Yeah. We'll see.” He muttered, taking another bite.

  
Lance shot Keith a frown before he realized the heaviness that fell over them all around the table. He quickly glanced around the room. Keith still had his head down, stabbing at his food far too aggressively for Lance's comfort. Pidge had at some point pulled out their computer and was working hard on something. Lance knew Hunk well enough to see that he was focusing way too hard on plating his own meal, while Shiro was trying desperately to have a conversation with him about the ingredients in their dishes.  
Lance swallowed his bite of his lunch with some difficulty, his appetite suddenly leaving him when he realized that everyone was ignoring him. He had a sinking feeling that everyone knew. Had Pidge told them about their morning? Had Coran told them about their conversation? Had they all been able to put two and two together? The incredible meal suddenly tasted bland as his body filled with guilt. He felt like he did not belong with them at the table. He wanted to retreat back to his room, instead he felt forced to finished his plate in the tense dining hall. He finally excused himself just as he felt he was going to be sick.

 

-

 

The rest of the day had been awkward to say the very least. Lance was convinced that someone had told the rest of the team something because he felt like he was being treated like he was fragile. He wondered if it might all be in his head, or if there really was something going on. His body felt better than it had in days, but his head felt clouded and heavy as he tried to maneuver through training.

  
He lasted as long as he could in his evening work out with Keith, but he felt like the Red Paladin was pushing him harder. “Do one more set!” He snapped, as Lance ran past him, completing a set of laps.

  
Lance gasped, trying to catch his breath as he turned to Keith, wheezing. “You said that last set. I'm beat, man.” He argued, earning a scowl from his teammate. “Can we call it good for the night?”

  
Keith huffed, folding his arms over his chest with a scowl. “Fine. Whatever you want.”

  
Lance wanted to ask him what his problem was. He wanted to know exactly what had been said about him. If he had missed out on another meeting about him, he wanted to know what it had been about. He was also terrified of what conversation that might lead to, though. “Alright. Well… I'll just see you guys in the morning.” He called, waving over his shoulder as he decided the only thing he could handle was leaving.

  
“Done for the day?” Shiro called out, picking up on their conversation. “Hold up, Lance.” He ordered, and Lance immediately froze. He watched as Shiro finished a few more push-ups before jogging up to him.

  
The Blue Paladin hesitated and could not fight the feeling that Shiro knew he had done something terribly wrong. “Y-Yeah. I think so. Is that cool?” He dared to ask, bracing himself for the worst.

  
Shiro gave him a nod. “Of course.” He glanced over his shoulder to Keith. “I'll be back in a few.” He called across the training deck. Keith waved to the two of them, briefly but not taking a break from his laps.

The two walked back towards the barracks in an uncomfortable silence. Questions and apologies hanging heavy on Lance's tongue. He wanted to scream as he caught sight of Shiro in his peripheral. This was so backwards! He should not feel this badly for not hurting himself. He was so torn between feeling proud of himself and sinking into a deeper hole than he was already in. When they finally arrived in front of Lance's room, he wanted nothing more than to ask if Shiro would stay. Instead what came out was, “See you in the morning?”

  
There was a hesitation on Shiro's part before the leader let out a sigh. “Yeah. You're good, buddy.” He said softly before turning and heading back to the training deck.

 

-

 

The next morning when Pidge came to retrieve him, Lance almost begged the Green Paladin to look inside his room. He wanted them to see him in the pitiful state he was in. He wanted to be yelled at, scolded, hit with the green bayard. Anything to feel something other than the stinging he felt in his shoulder where he had opened it last night. Anxiety boiled up in his chest as his skin felt too tight around him. He could not bear the idea of sliding into a tighter body suit. He felt like he was going to scream. “Pidge!” He barked out, finally settling on something to let out.

  
She jumped at the unexpected sound. “What!” She yelled back, holding herself back from turning into the room.

  
He froze for a moment, waiting to see if his teammate was going to face him. His breath caught in his throat as he tilted his head to the side, making sure that if Pidge did turn around they would definitely see the new cuts. When Pidge did not move, Lance let out a sigh. After a beat he realized the tension in his body was easing and he began to slide on his uniform. “Nothing. Just keeping you on your toes.” He joked back, buckling his armor into place.

  
She rolled her eyes. “Thanks for that.” She muttered. “Are you ready yet?” Pidge asked annoyed.

  
Lance let out a sigh, strolling past her and into the hallway. “Yeah, yeah…” He responded. “You know, I appreciate your gesture,” He called over his good shoulder. “But people like me don't really get the luxury of privacy.”

  
Pidge blinked at the odd comment. “Do you… Feel like you still have too much privacy?” She asked, concerned.

  
He shrugged, walking a few steps in front as they continued their path to the infirmary. “You're just a lot easier on me than the others. You're not… Constantly mad at me like the power couple.” He muttered.

  
“I don't think Keith and Shiro are mad at you.” Pidge responded, trying to comfort the man before her. “I mean… Keith might be mad, but I wouldn't take that personally. I think that's just how he is.” Lance gave her a quick snort at her joke. “I think they are both just worried about you.”

  
“Well maybe there are more important things to worry about.” Lance muttered, ending their conversation with the grumpy comment as he stepped into the cryo-pod.

Like clockwork, ten minutes later the pod opened just as Coran had programed it to do. When Lance stepped out he let out a deep breath, stretching his limbs lightly. Pidge flashed him a smile, pleased that whatever Coran had done now had the pod consistently working.

  
Lance did not return the smile, though. He stopped short when he felt a sting shoot across his body. The pod timer went off too soon before the healing components were done.

  
His shoulder still hurt.

 

-

 

When they left the training deck that evening, Lance had already planned an entire spiel meant for their leader only. He had even left the training deck early, between Shiro's weighted squats and sit-ups just so he might catch the older man in a good mood. But once they reached the hallway he felt the lump in his throat that he'd been carrying since the morning block his airway.

  
The walk to his room went too fast and Lance wanted to scream into the distance that the two-way silence put between them. He wanted to tell him everything, spill his guts, cry, but this all settled so heavy into his stomach he couldn't find the strength to lift it out.

  
When they arrived at his open door he did not hesitate to enter, wanting to break whatever tension formed between him and Shiro quickly. "Goodnight," Lance's voice rang empty back into the hall.

  
"Goodnight Lance," Shiro's voice felt empty in Lance's chest.

 

Hours Later, Lance sat on his bed in the dark. The light from the hallway just barely filling his bedroom through the open door. He sat still, blanket up over his shoulders as he tried to focus on his breathing. ‘In…and…Out…In…and…Out…’ His mind was spinning and it took far more concentration than it should have for him to focus on the simple breathing exercise.

  
His shoulder still hurt. He had been able to sneak away at one point to check on it, but had not been pleased with what he had seen. Even though they had been made the day before, the cuts now looked like they were about a week or so old. The skin was tender and flaking off as it healed, leaving a dull ache at the source.

  
Now what was he supposed to do? He let out a sigh, pulling the warm blanket tighter around him.

  
Everything had seemed so much harder for him over the last few days. He felt like no matter what he did he could not win. He knew he could not keep going the way that he was. Something was going to have to change.

  
He pulled the blanket over his head, hiding away in the small tent. His breath caught in his throat as he completely lost the rhythm with his breathing. 'Maybe I should just stop trying so hard…' He thought, blue eyes sliding shut as the familiar feeling of defeat swept over him. 'I should just stop trying…'

 

-

 

The next morning when Pidge went to retrieve Lance he was not up and getting dressed. The youngest Paladin wanted to be annoyed when she poked her head into his still dark room and found him sleeping, but she reminded herself of when they had first come to the castle and he was alway the last one up. If he was getting more sleep, did that mean that he was starting to get better? She wondered as she dared to step into his room. “Lance? Lance.” She called out hesitantly from across the room.  
She hated being in other people's spaces. Pidge preferred to stay out of everyone's things and areas, and in return she expected her privacy to be respected as well. It was bad enough that they had been sharing memories and thoughts with each other through Voltron and the head helmets. Pidge thought it was only fair that they still got to keep their rooms to themselves. “Lance.” She said more firmly, taking another bold step into the room.

  
When he did not respond she grew worried. Taking the last couple of strides to his bed quickly, she loomed over him once she was by his side. “Lance! Wake up!” The Green Paladin snapped, shaking him roughly.

  
At the sudden movement, Lance let out an annoyed and fully awake sound. “Wh-What?” He snapped back, rolling onto his side, facing away from his teammate once he realized who it was.

  
Pidge frowned, now that she knew he was alright, she was angry that he had worried her. “We're late. It's time to get up.”  
He did not respond for a moment, shifting under his blankets to pull them further up his chin so only his head was visible. Lance could still feel Pidge's presence over him and finally pulled the green headphones off his head where they now sat askew over one ear. “No.” He muttered, sounding exhausted.

  
Pidge's frown turned into a glare as she noticed his actions through the dark. “Are those my headphones?” She yelled. “I've been looking everywhere for those!”

  
Lance grunted, rolling over to face his teammate, still holding the blankets up to his chin as he spoke. “They are? I just found them one day. They were left on one of the couches.” He replied simply before yawning, speaking slower than usual. Pidge could see him move under the covers a bit before a hand emerged, handing over the headphones. “Sorry.” He muttered softly.

  
Pidge sighed, resting the headphones over her shoulders. “Whatever.” She replied, annoyance strong in her voice. “Just get ready.” The youngest ordered, heading back out of the room.

  
“I'm sorry!” Lance called out to Pidge.

  
“Just get ready!” Pidge repeated, taking their usual place outside Lance's door to wait for him. “We're running late!”

  
With some difficulty, Lance reluctantly sat up, still holding the blanket close as he double checked to make sure that Pidge was doing their usual, not-looking-into-the-room-thing. When he felt comfortable, he dropped his blanket down, for the first time looking at the blood that splattered across it. Briefly he wondered how he was going to explain this to Coran, or whoever did laundry in the Castle.

  
He glanced down at his arm, noting that his blanket had stuck to parts of his arm with sticky blood. He carefully pulled it away from the new cuts, trying not to be too vocal as he winced. He let out a relieved sigh when he realized that they had stopped bleeding sometime in the night. He was going to need to get this cleaned somehow without drawing attention to himself, he thought. Lance knew if the condition of his shoulder was anything to go by, there was no way that the pods would be able to heal the mess on his forearm in under ten minutes. He glanced back towards the door, not surprised that Pidge was still facing out into the hallway. Without thinking too hard about it, he quickly ran his tongue across the blanket, getting it at least damp before carefully wiping up the dried and crusted blood as best as he could.

  
“Are you coming?” Pidge snapped, growing impatient.

  
He jumped at the outburst. ‘That will have to do.’ He thought, quickly climbing out of bed, pausing when he grew light headed at the too fast movement. “Y-yes. Coming.” Lance responded as soon as he could see straight, throwing on his armor in record time.

 

-

 

That day had been a whirlwind of events. Between finally meeting the aliens that inhabited Arus and then fighting a giant Galra monster, Lance had hardly had a moment to think about himself. Despite the fact that their fight had initially provided a great distraction, everyone was clearly shaken from their fight with Myzax. Lance for one, felt exhausted, his entire body sore from the fight. When Lance stepped out onto the bridge he frowned as he saw everyone standing around in a huddle. He could not be sure, but Lance could swear that everyone was talking about him. He fell back, not making himself known to the group just yet as he tried to listen in to their conversation.

  
“I don't know why, but I just assumed that that's where Pidge was taking him in the mornings…” Hunk admitted softly, looking to Shiro apologetically.

  
“Me?!” Pidge shrieked, from where he stood Lance could see their face turn red and he wondered what they were talking about.

  
“No.” Shiro stated quickly. “We would never ask Pidge to do that.” He stated, giving Pidge a comforting look.

  
“Should… someone talk to him?“ Keith asked, just softly enough that Lance could barely make out his words.

  
The Blue Paladin frowned. “Talk to me about what?” He blurted out, approaching the group.

  
Everyone jumped at the sudden outburst, turning to face their teammate. He stood before them all expectantly, hands on his hips. There was a moment of hesitation as the rest of the team exchanged glances before Hunk finally spoke up. “Let's take a walk, buddy.” He offered kindly to Lance, holding out an arm towards him as he approached him.

  
Lance raised an eyebrow, unsure of what was going on. He felt nervous as Hunk ushered him out of the room. Did Hunk know? Did they all know? His palms began to sweat as they walked down the hall in silence. Periodically Lance glanced over to Hunk, trying to study the neutral expression to at least brace himself for whatever everyone had been talking about. “You doin' alright, man?” Hunk asked after some time.

  
Lance hesitated. He knew that Hunk would be able to see through whatever lie he told. The two had been through enough of this together for Lance to just lie to his face, but how was he supposed to tell Hunk about the deep cuts across his forearm that hurt with every movement under his armor. “I know you were all talking about me.” He countered. “What were you saying?”

  
Hunk let out a sigh at the blunt question. He dared to pat Lance on the shoulder gently as though he were afraid that Lance had been hurt, or perhaps that he was carrying hurt. “Okay. I'm going to be real with you.” He started calmly as the two of them came to a stop in the hallway. Hunk glanced around to make sure that they were alone. “I know that you've been really struggling lately.” Lance let out the breath he had been holding, looking away from Hunk quickly as he felt his face grow hot with embarrassment. “Shiro shared his own concerns with me. That's what we were talking about.” Lance wanted to run away. He wanted to burry himself in his bed and just die there as Hunk continued. “I'm not trying to accuse you of anything. I don't want to start anything with you. I just…” He let out a sigh, concern evident in his voice. “If you're not okay, I need you to tell me.”

  
Lance really did not want to have this conversation with Hunk. He was not ready to break his best friend's heart like that. He could not bring himself to tell him how bad things were. He was not ready to accept the things he had done himself. “If I need help I'll tell you.” Lance stated, glancing up at Hunk for a brief moment to give him a glare. “I have to get ready for the party. I can get there on my own…” He muttered, turning to leave down the hall, hoping that by some miracle he would not be followed.

  
“When was the last time you showered?“ Hunk called out to Lance, unfazed by Lance's anger as though he had been expecting it. “Or did any sort of self-care?”

  
The Blue Paladin froze in his tracks. Lance was instantly hyper aware of how uncomfortable he felt with his body. He racked his brain for the answer to Hunk's question. He knew that if he had to think that hard about it, then it had been too long. He could suddenly feel how greasy and damp his hair was. He began to shake as he ran his hand across his face, through is glove Lance could feel how rough his skin was. 'Oh god… Oh god…’ Lance swore internally. He knew there was still dried blood on at least his left arm. He wondered if there was anymore anywhere else. He slowly turned back around to face Hunk, mortified at the realization. Tears began to well up in his eyes as he stood before The Yellow Paladin, not sure what to do next.

  
Hunk held out a hand, offering it to the other man as he could see the panic forming in Lance's features. “We're not trying to embarrass you or anything, okay?” He said seriously as Lance approached him and took up his offer to hold hands. “I just… I know that things have been really crazy with… this…” Hunk stated, motioning to the Castle around them with his free hand. “But I also know that your morning routine and self care and the pampering stuff you do is important to you.” Lance quickly wiped his eyes as he began to cry. “And it's just really… really obvious that you haven't been doing any of it.” There was a pause before Lance nodded, burying his face in his free hand. “You don't have to talk about any of it.” Hunk continued. “You don't owe any of us an explanation on how you are feeling, but I think that you will feel better if you got all cleaned up for the party.”

  
Lance was quiet for a long time. Hunk stood beside him, allowing him to cry. “I feel really gross…” Lance finally whined out. He sounded as pitiful as he felt as he ran his hand through his greasy hair.

  
“You smell pretty gross, bro.” Hunk offered back, smiling when Lance let out a choked laugh through his tears. “Come on. The Arusians will be arriving soon. Let's get you cleaned up.”

 

-

 

Lance had to admit that as soon as the hot water hit his skin he felt at least a little better. The water rolled down his body, washing away the grime and oils that he had been numb to over the last few days. Lance ran his hands through is hair, completely embarrassed at how bad he had let himself go. Too dirty to be picky, he grabbed at the various soaps, not caring that he could not read any of the Altean labels as he washed his hair.

  
After a moment of pondering, he decided the same soap would probably be fine on his body. He was especially thankful that Shiro had talked Coran into allowing them to set up curtains to divide the showers and as he carefully cleaned his sore arm. For the first time he was able to get a good look at the cuts in decent lighting and was honestly a little concerned himself at how deep the three long cuts seemed to be. They started at the middle of his forearm and ran down to just barely touch his wrist. His time in the cryo-pod had only barely healed them, making them look a few days old, rather than only one. The scabs were tender and still looked new and did not hold up well against the too hot water. He let out an involuntary hiss as the water stung the now cleaned, but slightly reopened cuts.

  
“You okay?” Hunk asked over the water from the shower stall beside his, hearing the pained sound.

  
“Y-Yeah!” Lance answered back quickly. “Just sore from that fight, ya know? Myzax was one tough cookie.”

  
Hunk chuckled at his best friend's peculiar wording. “Yeah. He was. Good thing Keith figured out that awesome sword thing!” He beamed, feeling proud of their team and Voltron.

  
Lance quickly frowned, remembering how great Keith had done that day. A familiar jealousy stung in his chest as he continued to wash the rest of his body. “Yeah. Lucky for us we have him around.” He muttered.

  
Hunk instantly heard the change in Lance's tone. “It's really cool that Allura is letting us celebrate, though, right?” He asked, quickly changing the subject. “It's been a while since we've been to a party. Ya know, that wasn't, like, thrown by your family.”

  
Lance smiled at the fond memories that came to his mind of different parties that he and Hunk had attended over the years. “But who will make passive-aggressive comments and ask if you're my boyfriend all night and if Tía Miriana isn't there?” He joked, earning a laugh from the other side of the plastic curtain. Lance paused a moment, contemplating on whether or not he should wash his hair a second time, just in case. Listening carefully, he tried to figure out if he was hearing two shower heads or only one. Deciding he probably should be wrapping up soon when he realized that Hunk's shower was still going, he quickly shut off his water. Diving outside of the stall to grab his body suit and a towel, in a hurry he rushed back behind the privacy of the curtains to dress himself before Hunk could see him.

  
The Yellow Paladin blinked a few times, wiping water off of his face as he heard Lance outside the shower stalls. “You done, buddy?” He asked, genuinely surprised that Lance would be done before him.

  
“Yep!” Lance called out as he slipped into his tight body suit. As his injuries were fully covered and his body cleaner than it had been in a while, he had to admit that he felt pretty great. “Just excited for the party. You coming?” He asked eagerly as he heard Hunk's water shut off.

 

-

 

Nunvill was sort of an acquired taste, Lance had decided as he worked on another glass of the putrid beverage. If he was being honest he did not have a lot of experience with alcohol back on Earth, but as he worked on this third nunvill he was positive that he was starting to feel the buzz of alcohol in his skull. So far the party had been lovely. The play that the Arusians had put on for them was wonderful and as they all hovered around the Paladins, he found himself finally able to relax. His shower had done more for his mental health than he had expected and he was having an honest good time with Hunk and (surprisingly) Keith. “I guess we should get used to this space juice.” Lance thought out loud, swirling the drink around in his glass. “Who knows when we'll get back home again?” He uttered before he even realized what he was saying.

  
A deep frown set on Hunk's face as he worked on his drink. “Yeah, if ever.” He muttered.

  
Lance's eyes widened immediately at the odd comment that took him off guard. He felt the mood between them shift as he picked up on the more solemn tone. “Wh-What do you mean?” Lance asked delicately, not sure if Hunk was doing alright.

  
Hunk let out a sigh. “I mean, if this Zarkon guy has been ruling for 10,000 years, how long do you think it will take for us to fix it?” He asked Lance honestly, never backing down from being honest or blunt with The Blue Paladin. He had been so concerned with his friend's well-being that Hunk had not had a chance to actually share his own concerns and insecurities. Perhaps it was the alcohol, perhaps it was the fact that Lance seemed to be better than he had been in a while. He found he could not stop himself from continuing. “You know… If we live.” He added softly.

  
'If we… live…?' Lance repeated silently. The party around them came to a screeching halt inside his head as Hunk's words rang true in his ears. Were they going to die out there? He dropped his head, staring at his sad reflection in his drink as his ears began to ring, the chattering of the Arusians cutting in and out like bad radio static. Hunk was the smartest person that he knew, and if he thought they were going to die… “Right…That…” Lance muttered, feeling that he had been expected to respond. He did not notice Hunk turning to stare at him.

  
Hunk almost immediately wished he could take back his words as he saw and heard Lance's mood plummet. 'Fuck…' He swore inwardly as he quickly tried to think of a new topic. He knew he had to change the subject before Lance began to think too hard about what he had said. Why had he said that? Why had he thought that was a good idea? “Hey, what do you think the chances are of us landing on a nacho planet?” He asked quickly, giving Lance a small smile. He said a quick prayer to the Lion Goddess that his buddy would pick up on the new conversation easily.

  
Hunk swore again as he saw Lance's eyes fill with tears. What had he done? Lance swallowed before opening his mouth and for the briefest moment Hunk thought that he would be okay. “Well, there's only one planet with Veradera Beach, pizza shack looking over the water and the garlic knots and my mom's hugs…” Lance's voice cracked as he thought about his mom. His family. 'I'm never going to see them again, am I?' He wanted to ask Hunk as he sniffled, trying desperately not to cry. The last thing he wanted was to kill the mood of the party. He had to get out of there. He knew if he stayed he would only make things worse. “I'm sorry. I think this Nunvill is getting to me. I gotta go.” He said quickly, removing himself from the conversation. His vision began to tunnel as he rushed up the stairs, passed everyone.

 

-

 

Almost as if in a trance, he found himself sitting on the bridge of the castle ship. He looked out in front of him. Stars. In every direction as far as he could see were stars and nothing else. Lance let out a sigh. Hunk's words echoed in his head and he had a hard time concentrating on anything else. He was never going home. He was going to die out here. Tears welled up in his eyes. He was never going to see his family again. What was the last thing he had said to them? When was the last time he had called them? He could not remember and it hardly seemed to matter now.

  
The heaviness of their situation began to crash down on him. He was going to die in space.

  
He could not remember when he had gotten it, but he rolled his razor around in his fingers. Had he stopped by his room before going to the bridge? He did not remember. He really had drank too much at the party that was going on downstairs. He remembered excusing himself from his conversation with Hunk, but he hadn't noticed anyone follow him. No one probably noticed he was gone.

  
The three long cuts itched against his armor. He knew he could add to them. He knew it would be easy. Everyone was still downstairs. He could do it, Lance thought. He could reopen the long thick cuts on his arm. He could make them thicker. He could make them deeper.

  
He would not have to worry about going home. He would not have to worry about the war or Zarkon. He would not have to hurt anymore.

  
They could easily find a new pilot for Blue, it was not like he had done anything remarkable or special to become her Paladin in the first place. Lance thought the bar for Paladins must be extremely low if he had been one of the chosen ones. They would not miss him. He could easily be replaced.

  
Lance hardly thought about what he was doing as he started to unbuckle the armor piece around his arm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @only-mj on Tumblr


	5. Being Gone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter follows the canon pretty heavily. A lot of dialogue is taken from "Fall of the Castle of Lions" and "Tears of the Balmera". Season one spoilers ahead. 
> 
> Even though this chapter has a lot of canon elements, I had some trouble writing it due to certain triggers and other reasons. So, a majority of this chapter was written by my husband, because they are great. You can find them on Tumblr as previousl.ee 
> 
> Trigger Warnings: Suicide Mention, Self-Harm Mention, Death Mention, Canon Violence.

Coran was proud of himself at how quickly he found Lance. He looked a little down, but otherwise fine as he sat quietly in the bridge. He was not sure what everyone's worry was over the able Paladin, but he still could not shake the feeling of relief that he had been found safe. "Mind if I join you," Lance heard Coran's voice before he heard his footsteps. 

Letting out a breath silently as he slipped the razor back into his boot, knocking the buckle on his gauntlet back into place with a practiced nudge as he answered the Altean's question with another, "How far away from Earth do you think we are, Coran?" 

"Let's take a look," Coran said with his patented smiley voice. "Earth is over here," He pulled the map up easily, Earth centered within his grasp, "And we're aaaaaalllll…" He elongated, scrolling through the endless parts of space. Lance wished he would just go back to holding his home within reach. "The way ooveeeeeeerrrr." 

"You ever notice how far the planets are from each other, Coran?" Lance asked absently, lost in the vast amount of space still scrolling by them. 

"Yes. haven't you been paying attention?" Coran spoke in a way that Lance knew he thought he was being silly, stopping just as he heard the young man approach his side to look upon Arus with him. 

"Yeah, but I mean, like, they're really far away," Lance's head spun as the universe around him stopped, "Like, say Earth. It's so far away I can't even see it." He felt his heart clench as it had back in the Gala hall, "The… The blue oceans, the white clouds, green grass… I…" He swallowed, "I can't see any of it." 

Coran looked over to the blue paladin, studying him, starting to understand the young paladin's problem, "You miss Earth. I understand," he reached up to place a hand on the boy's back, expertly avoiding his shoulder. "I miss Altea." 

"I know we're supposed to be brave paladins and Defenders of the Universe or whatever, but, honestly?" He looked Coran in the eyes, "I just want to go home." 

Coran averted his eyes, finding a lot of common ground with the broken Blue Paladin, "If I could go home, I would." He tried to sympathize. 

A short moment of silence fell over the two as they each took a moment to look over the universe idling around them. "I miss rain," Lance spoke suddenly, " and splashing in puddles." 

"Rain?" Coran asked, the neurotranslators not picking up on that word enough for him to understand it's meaning. 

"Yeah. It's water that falls from the sky," Lance explained, a little thrown that he had not heard of it. 

"Oh, we had that on Altea," Coran smiled, "Only, it wasn't water, more like rocks. Razor-sharp and boiling-hot." He laughed, fondly, "Oh, they could knock a hole right in your head!" 

Lance stumbled for a moment, concerned, "Sounds fun," he settled on. 

"Yeah," Coran smiled, looking up at the mini Arus hanging up in the sky. Lance could tell he wished it was Altea. 

Lance let a moment pass between him, between the drinks and their conversation he wasn't sure if it was a really good idea to talk to Coran about his feelings or a really terrible one. Yet he couldn't really stop the words coming from his mouth. "Coran… Have you ever thought of… Just going away?" 

"Seems like an odd time for a vacation," Coran seemed puzzled at the younger's words. 

"I mean…" Lance hesitated, gripping his arm nervously, feeling the pain from an older wound worm it's way to his brain, "Your planet is gone… Your people… Your king… Do you ever feel like… Maybe you should be gone too?" 

Coran was, for the first time since Lance had met him, halted. Lance didn't dare look up at the mustached face as he breathed in the silence that could fill the large room. "Is that what the others are worried you'll do?" He spoke in the way Lance knew he did when he knew what he was saying was a fact, but it was one he'd never considered before. 

Lance remained silent. 

"Oh my," Coran marveled before falling silent again. Lance's head suddenly whirred back to life, trying to think of a joke. Something, anything to say to the other to make him think that what he said hadn't been serious. "You Earthlings really are amazing," Coran spoke in a wonderment that caused Lance's breath to catch in his throat, a joke dying on his tongue. "Wooing the lions, unintentionally taking on the universe, all while still caring for each other…" He got a far off look on his face before smiling in a sure way, looking back to look Lance in the eye, "The way you stick together, I have a feeling that you Earthlings will do amazing things. And, if you make it," he turned to face the paladin, "You will end up being greater perhaps than the original paladins of Voltron." 

Lance felt his heart lift into his throat, touched by Coran's words. Suddenly he realized all the things the Alteans had done for them. He realized exactly how much time and effort was truly being put into him by the team. How much they really cared about him. He felt… guilty. 

"Let's get back to the party," Coran suggested when Lance didn't speak. "Tonight we celebrate Voltron. And you too," he offered. 

Lance nodded, "Right. Yeah," he let out a quiet sigh as he followed after Coran. 

As the door opened and Lance sighted the little drone, he reflexively smiled, perking up as he spoke to it, "Hey Rover." He could feel his smile fade immediately as it went passed him, then he realized: he hadn't faked the smile for Rover's sake. 

"Wait." Lance turned, did Rover usually beep like that? He could feel his pulse quicken. "Where's Pidge?" Could Rover even leave Pidge's side? It never went anywhere without Pidge and Pidge never left Rover behind…

As the beeping intensified he knew that wasn't Rover. 

Everything began to slow down as he broke out into a run. Lance heard the loud explosion. He heard himself screaming for Coran as he focused on just getting the man out of the way enough to save him. As the bridge broke out into a harsh white light he felt a panic he had never felt before. It was concern… For himself? Would he ever know if Coran would be okay? Would Pidge ever get to make him better? Would he ever get to make Shiro proud of him? Win the bet with Keith? Make Hunk feel safe around him? 

Or would he just die here? 

He felt the explosion tear into his back before being slammed to the ground. His vision blackening as he tried to look up, trying to see into his future. Trying to hold onto even one ounce of what could be. Then the room turned black. 

\--

When he opened his eyes he knew instantly where he was. Sunlight shining down through the water he could see for a mile along the coastline in either direction. Small schools of fish made their way toward shore, glimmering in the sunlight. He smiled, the heat on his back, the pressure of the water around him. He'd spent too many summers at his Aunt's beach home to forget this place. Veradara beach, his favorite place in the entire universe. No matter how long he was gone. No matter what was on his mind. The beach could make everything okay again. In this place, he truly felt healed. 

"Lance? Lance!" 

The man's voice called to him from the sky, muffled badly by the water surrounding him. He could feel the waves tug at his body, jostling him gently. He didn't fight it, deep down he found himself afraid to fight it. If he swam back to shore, he would have to leave this place. 

"We have to get Lance to the infirmary!" 

"Without the crystal, the Castle has no power!" 

He could hear them, far, far off. They must be on shore, he thought. But as he watched the bubbles from his nose rise toward the surface of the water, he found more joy in counting them than listening in on the familiar voices. 

"He doesn't look good." 

And just like that, he could hear the rain begin to pour on the surface of the water. 

 

"I'll tend to Lance and stand over the Castle," Shiro assigned himself, a serious look passing between the team as they all disbanded quickly to begin their individual missions. He waited for Keith and Allura to take their leave with the Arusian king before turning his attention back to Lance. He looked over him a moment, fearful of what the explosion had done to him, more fearful of making it worse. 

With a deep breath and a quick mental push, Shiro raised a hand to the turtleneck of the younger man's collar, carefully turning him in hopes of inspecting his wounds. At very least, the younger had tucked his head and was wearing his armor. That was probably the only thing that saved him. Inspecting his back it didn't look as though his neck was broken, but the skin was basically liquified. 

Shiro cringed, moving to place the collar back as to keep his anatomy from sloshing around too much when he spied something not usual. The cuts were thin, and mostly healed, but on the wrong shoulder to be the ones he knew about. And with all that time spent in the cryopods… Far too new. "Lance…" Shiro sighed, replacing the collar carefully and looking around helplessly. What was he to do now? They were both so vulnerable here…Alone... 

Testing the younger for a moment Shiro decided his spine was okay enough to be carried. Carefully he hoisted the boy over his shoulder. If the castle was under attack, he needed to get Lance away from it. As he finally got the boy settled on his shoulder and started his way down, he could hear the boy rasp, groaning a bit in pain. Shiro clung to him tighter without thinking about it. He couldn't lose him now. Not now. "Hang on, buddy. Help is on the way." 

He could see the door to the castle opened wide. Trying his best to carry the young man quickly and carefully he hardly noticed the opposition surmounting at their door. But when he looked up, he could feel a pain wretch through his gut like a knife as he recognized the beast. "Sendak," he spoke with a dry tongue. Clenching the younger he had to make a choice… Carefully he pulled Lance off his shoulder, laying him down on his back so the internal bleeding might not pool so much in his lungs. He turned, facing Sendak as he did what he knew, look big, protect your dirt. 

"Stand aside," the Galran spoke in a way that shook Shiro's core. It took a lot out of him to disobey such a command. 

Shaking shoulders turned into a glowing hand. "No. You're not getting in." 

Sendak stopped, staring Shiro straight in the eye, "Yes," he spoke, unamused as he raised his new arm to the Champion, "I am." 

 

The waves had rolled him out somewhere dark. The rain still pounded against the surface of the ocean. Every once in a while he would hear thunder crack along the sky. He wasn't sure where he was now. The sun and the sand of Veradera beach had long since gone and now all he felt was the cold of the black water around him. 

If he could make it to the surface, maybe he could find his way back. But the way the waves rolled against his body gently pressing him on every side, he wasn't sure he minded being left out here. Then he felt something. 

At first perhaps it just seemed like the sea was becoming tumultuous. Perhaps he was rolling out into the storm. But as he was jostled and thrown he could feel the creature against his skin. Large, and threatening. His mind immediately went to a shark, bumping him and turning him, waiting for the right place to strike. But as he opened his eyes he was greeted with the sight of the Galran from the screen on the bay. 

All at once his memory flooded back painfully into his mind. Sendak. He had already entered the castle. He tried to shift his eyes, finding them rough in their sockets as he tried to look at his surroundings. What little breath he had caught in his throat as he found Shiro, beaten badly and knocked out beside him. Had he already taken on Sendak while he'd been out? Lance felt guilt grip him once more as he closed his eyes. When was he ever going to stop messing up? 

He heard thunder crack once more, his eyes only able to open for a second. For a moment he imagined seeing Pidge, running from Sendak, but in the same moment it seemed as if Pidge's voice was just right beside him "Shiro, wake up. It's me, Pidge." He could hear his teammate beg. Then there was thunder once again. 

Lance opened his eyes once again, seeing Pidge get dragged away from them as Shiro struggled to get onto his knees. Was he planning on fighting Sendak again? Alone? 

No, Lance felt his fingers extend painfully around the hard metal of his bayard, summoning it with some trouble as he tried to keep the metal from hitting the floor and alerting their foe. He couldn't shoot him while he had Pidge, but he had to do something. 

He saw a glimpse of red and smiled, 'That mullet-head would try to steal my lime-light,' he thought before raising his weapon up with all the strength he had, taking the shot. The recoil hit him hard in the shoulder, knocking the wind out of him. But he still took pride in looking Sendak straight in the eye before everything went dark again.

\--

Once Sendak had been detained and the crystal had been replaced in the Castle's bridge, Shiro felt he could finally allow himself to breathe. He was exhausted. They all were. Still, they knew they could not rest just yet. One of their own was still injured, and badly. 

They knew they had to get Lance out of his heavy armor and into the cryo-pod so he could heal properly. Bringing Lance to the infirmary with some help, Shiro had insisted to the other members of the team that he could take care of Lance on his own. “Everyone should go get some rest.” He spoke seriously. “I'll take care of Lance and make sure he's alright.”

This earned a multitude of protests from the other members of Team Voltron. “What about you?” Keith asked, standing in front of Shiro and refusing to leave. “You're injured as well.”

“I'm fine.” Shiro argued, resting a hand on Keith's shoulder. “Try to get some sleep, I'll… I'll catch up with you later.”

He jerked out of his partner's grip. Keith could tell that something was wrong with him, and he was not planning on leaving until he found out. “I'm not leaving without you.” Shiro knew it was useless to argue with his boyfriend once he made up his mind to do something. He let out a tired sigh as Keith took one of his hands in his own. 

“We appreciate the gesture, Shiro.” Pidge spoke up. “But you can't do this on your own. You need at least Coran or I to get the cryo-pod working. We should probably get you in one as well. At least for a little bit.” 

Shiro shook his head. “Let's… Let's tend to Lance first.” He ordered with some hesitation. The idea of begin shut in a pod and unconscious made him extremely uncomfortable, but more so than his own discomfort, he knew what was under Lance's armor, unlike the rest of the team. He took a deep breath, unbuckling the unconscious Paladin's shin guards and boots to slip them off. The room grew silent when something fell out of Lance's boot and hit the hard ground with a 'ping'. Everyone froze as they turned to get a look at the razor on the ground. His breath caught in his throat as Shiro bent down to pick it up, holding it in front of the group. 

“Where-Where did he get that?” Hunk asked, dread filing his stomach as he reached out, snatching it from Shiro quickly. “Where did he get this?” He asked again, growing angry as he studied it in his hands. 

Shiro shook his head. “I have no idea… Hunk, I—”

“We have to get him out of his armor.” Hunk muttered darkly, cutting their leader off as he turned his attention back to his unconscious friend. Slipping the razor into his vest pocket, he unbuckled the rest of the armor as carefully as he could with shaking hands. 

Dreading what Hunk was about to find, Shiro helped him raise Lance slightly to gingerly pull the body suit down off of his shoulders. Lance's back was a complete mess from the force of the explosion, but the Yellow Paladin seemed more concerned when he caught sight of the thin almost healed cuts on his shoulder. “When—”

“We'll worry about that later.” Shiro responded quickly, not wanting anyone to dwell too long on the natures of their comrade's injuries when they still needed to get him into the healing pod, without the suit to keep everything in, Shiro knew they had limited time to dwell before Lance's internal bleeding would worsen. With Hunk shifting the body slightly, Shiro carefully unbuckled the gauntlets and pulled the arms of the body suit down and off of Lance. At the sight of Lance's arms he pulled back quickly as though he had been burned. It took all of Hunk's self control not to drop Lance back onto the table when he caught sight of the injuries that could not have come from their recent attack. One of Shiro's hands rested over his mouth as the stared at Lance's body in shock. He had saw the cuts on his shoulder, but this…

The three cuts were fully on display shamefully to the Team. They were long, running from the middle of his forearm to his wrist. The fresh scabs that covered them looked raw and tender from their fight. They were definitely not like the small thin cuts they had seen on his shoulders. 

“I don't… I don't understand…” Pidge said softly as her voice cracked. She looked up to their leader for guidance as tears welled up in her eyes. “I… I thought that… He told me that he was feeling better…”

“He lied.” Keith growled, turning away from the body with anger. “He fucking lied, Pidge.” He snapped. “We should have known better than to trust him! He played us!” He was furious, pacing the room angrily as he swore. 

Shiro did not try to pacify his boyfriend. He swallowed, taking another deep breath through his lips as he continued sliding his teammate out of the body suit. 'One thing at a time.' He told himself. 'We'll deal with this later…' 

Allura carefully reached out, brushing her fingertips delicately across the broken and raised skin on Lance's arm. “What… Is this?” She asked startled, studying the cuts carefully. They were far too straight and calculated to have come from any battle or fight, still she had a hard time believing that the charismatic Paladin would do this to himself. “I know that you told me that you were afraid that he might hurt himself but…” Her voice trailed off as she pulled away from him. “I didn't… Realize this is what you had meant… I'm sorry…”

“Don't apologize, Princess!” Keith snapped, turning back around to the rest of the group. “He's the one that should apologize! He's the one that… I can't even believe him!” He found himself so angry he was at a loss for words. He felt hurt and betrayed by the sight before him. 

“It's not his fault.” Hunk spoke up, causing Keith to freeze in place. He could not deny that he was hurt as well, but as hurt as he was he could not find himself angry with Lance. “It's… There's this thing in his head that—”

“That makes him feel better when he does it.” Keith continued through his teeth. “He fed me the same bullshit, too, Hunk. Don't you get it?” Leaning over Lance on the table to glare at Hunk, Keith felt his anger bubbling out of him. “He's selfish. He's a liar. He doesn't care about any of us. He only cares about himself.”

“You don't know him like I do!” Hunk argued back. 

“I can't believe you're defending him!”

“That's enough. Both of you.” Shiro spoke harshly. “We'll deal with this as soon as he wakes up but right now, Hunk, I need you to help me get him into the pod. Pidge, get it set up for him.” He ordered, slipping Lance into another body suit that Allura had provided that would somehow assist with the healing process. Shiro tried to keep his voice level. They could not all break down. Not yet. 

Keith stared at him in astonishment. “Are you serious? We're actually going to heal him?” The entire room fell silent as they thought of what Keith was implying. “Do you really want to waste the crystal's energy on someone that clearly does not want to be helped?” 

“Keith… That's… Are you really willing to let him die?” Hunk asked quietly, amazed that Keith, of all people, was taking Lance's self harm so personally. 

The Red Paladin let out a sigh, pulling back from the table. Is that what he was thinking? He was angry. He could hear Shiro's voice in his head warning him about making decisions when he was so worked up. But his logic was overruled by the hurt in his chest as he caught sight of the cuts once more. “You and Coran risked your lives to get this crystal. Pidge wasted countless hours modifying the cryo-pods for him. We have all lost sleep worrying about his health.” He spoke seriously, trying to keep his voice at a level tone. “This is how he repays us.” He pointed to the cuts across his arm. “He obviously does not want our help, Hunk. He obviously knows what he's doing. If he doesn't want to be here anymore then it doesn't make sense for us to keep trying.”

Hunk shook his head quickly. “I don't think that's it at all, Keith.” He argued desperately as his friend's life was on the line. “He doesn't do it to… to kill himself… He does it—”

“A-Actually…” Coran spoke up, his voice unusually soft as he interrupted the conversation. “I'm not sure if he'd want me to tell you but… He might have mentioned something like that to me.” He admitted. 

“What did he say exactly? When?” Shiro asked as he began to panic. He was finding he really was too tired for this much stress. 

“Right before the explosion.” Coran answered honestly. “He was talking about going away. Being 'gone' he put it. I'm not sure if that means anything to you on Earth but… It sounded pretty… bleak to me.”

"Being gone?" Hunk repeated. "Fuck..." He swore as though he had heard those words before from the unconscious man on the table. He turned away from the rest of the group as tears welled up in his eyes. 

Shiro swore under his breath, turning back to Lance's body. They were running out of time to make a decision. “I think I'd like to talk to him about this when he wakes up.” Shiro finally said. “Hunk, take him for me.” He ordered. 

“Sh-Shiro?” Pidge called out softly. She sounded exhausted and the heaviness of the room made her look and feel small. “I don't…” She adjusted her glasses nervously as she voiced her opinion. “I don't know if it's a good idea to… I mean… If… If he's just going to kill himself as soon as he gets out…”

“Pidge, no.” Her leader shook his head, approaching her and resting a hand on her shoulder. “We're going to take care of him—”

“You keep saying that!” She snapped, pulling back defensively. “If anything he's getting worse! I made him worse!”

“Pidge, you didn't-" Shiro started to plead. 

“Yes I did!” She cried. “I allowed this to happen! I gave him a way to keep hurting himself! I should have noticed…” She did not try to stop the tears from falling down her face. “I should have known my plan wouldn't work… I'm sorry… I'm so sorry…” She sobbed. 

Something snapped inside Shiro. He was not going to have his team fall apart. Not like this. He picked Lance up himself with some effort and protest from his own wounds. Keith opened his mouth to protest but immediately was cut off by a dark glare from Shiro. “Coran, start the healing process.” He ordered, laying Lance in the pod. “I'm making an executive decision. No one is dying on my watch, got it?” He said seriously. “Allura, how long should we let him rest?”

She jumped slightly as she picked up on the harsh tone in his voice. “After a day in here, he should be fully healed.” She answered, not as confidently as she would have liked. 

He nodded, watching Lance carefully for a moment before turning to the rest of his team, or rather, one member in particular. “Pidge, we can't thank you enough for all you did. I can't help but feel that you were meant to be a part of our team... but I understand if you want to leave.” He said honestly. After everything the child had been through, he almost wanted her out as well. He could not stand the idea of another member of the Holt family hurting under his care.

Pidge thought a moment, averting her eyes, the entire situation was exhausting to the youngest, but she thought he knew the right choice. "Dad used to tell me how close he was to his crew members," she glanced back over to Lance, thinking how he had always treated her. "They were like family. Now I understand what he was talking about. I'm staying with you guys." She looked back up at Shiro, his smile giving confidence to the youngest's words. "I'm staying with you guys. Let's stop Zarkon for all of our families." 

Tired faces looked back at Pidge, but it was good to see Keith break a smile even under the stress of the circumstances. When Keith really thought about it, of course he didn't want Lance dead, he had stopped Pidge from leaving for so much less after all. "Good to have you back on the team." 

Shiro breathed, the first good breath he'd had all day. "Let's get off to bed, team. We've got a lot of clean up starting tomorrow." He ordered and waited for the others to trickle out of the room. He didn't look back as he stared at the cryopod containing the Blue Paladin, but he could feel the presence of his boyfriend standing behind him. "I think we should take turns standing guard tonight… If any other Galra survived the crash, someone will need to serve as lookout." 

There was a moment of silence before he felt Keith's arms slip around him, feeling his face pressed against his back. The young man was exhausted. Shiro wished there was something he could say to make it better. Yet nothing inside him felt good at the moment. "You should go to bed…" He could feel Keith squeeze him tight around his hard abs, he could feel the tension in his arms about the unanswered question waiting deep inside the younger. 

Shiro sighed, not daring to look at the man behind him, standing tall against the pressure of the young man, offering his support. "I've lost too much to monsters like Sendak… I've lost my crew once. I can't..." 

As he felt the younger's arms start to shake around him, he knew he wasn't going to be standing guard alone tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me and my husband on Tumblr: @only-mj and @previousl.ee


	6. Starting Over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Triggers for this chapter:  
> Discussion of suicide  
> Mentions of past self-harm  
> Smoking  
> Swearing

“About time you got here.” Lance teased as he sucked on a cigarette, hearing the door open and close behind him. He glanced over his shoulder to see Hunk standing behind him awkwardly. He leaned back on his palms, sitting precariously on the ledge of the roof of their high school. 

“What are we doing up here?” Hunk asked worriedly. “We gotta get back to class, man.”

Lance rolled his eyes, turning back to look out at the cityscape as far as he could see from the top of the three-story building. He took a long breath, smoke exhaling from his lips. He outstretched his legs, kicking them off the edge of the building and swinging them absently against the bricks. “Like biology is hard for you. You know you're not missing anything.” 

“Hey man, you wanna come off of there?” He asked, approaching Lance cautiously. 

Lance did not answer for a while. He looked down at the ground far below them. Hunk couldn't see his deep frown from where he stood behind him. “Do you ever like… think about what it would be like if you were just… I dunno… Gone?”

Hunk blinked, confused by the obscure statement. “No? What do you mean? Are you okay?” He asked, standing as close behind him as he dared without getting too close to the edge of the tall building. 

He shrugged nonchalantly, taking another hit off of the stick. “I don't… I don't know…” He shifted on the ledge. “What if we just like… Fell or something.” Hunk did not like how casually his best friend spoke. Lance tapped out his cigarette on the cement ledge of the building before flicking the butt off of the side. “We wouldn't fly… We would just… Be gone…” He muttered, watching the spent stick fall quickly to the ground. 

Hunk swallowed. He wanted to reach out and grab Lance, but he was afraid he would startle him, and the last thing he wanted to do was make him fall. "Do you… Think about jumping off buildings often, Lance?” He asked carefully, unsure of how Lance might answer him. 

Lance bit down on his lip. He tightened his hands into fists for a moment before releasing them along with a deep breath. “Sorry. You're right. We should get back to class.” He muttered, hopping off of the ledge and quickly shoving passed Hunk. 

“Lance, wait.” Hunk called out, grabbing a hold of his arm quickly. “Seriously, are you okay?”

The second their eyes locked Lance broke down into tears. With his head down, he held out his arms. Without a second thought, Hunk took him into a tight embrace and allowed Lance to cry into him. They stood in silence on the roof for a long while, Lance letting out choked sobs when he could not form words. With a shaky breath he slowly pulled back, just enough so that he knew Hunk would be able to hear him. “I-I've started again…” He admitted softly. 

The cool breeze carried his confession and for a moment Hunk was not sure if he had heard him correctly. “Lance, no…” He swallowed, pulling back to study his friend. “You can't…”

“I'm sorry…” He muttered, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. “Everything has just felt so awful lately. It's just all I know to do, man."

Hunk took a deep breath, a frown hard on his face. He did not like what Lance was saying, and if he were being honest the implications of Lance's actions scared him. “Dude I… Think it's time you told your parents.”

“What? No! Why would you say that!” Lance demanded, suddenly angry and defensive. “I-I-I can't do that. They'll think I'm crazy. They'll like… Lock me away somewhere or something!”

“You're talking about jumping off buildings, Lance!” Hunk argued back, raising his voice as well. “You promised that if you started cutting again you would tell them!”

Lance bit down on his lip so he would not start crying again. He looked down at his feet, unable to meet his friend's concerned stare. He could tell Hunk was scared, he was as well. “Y-Yeah… Okay… Maybe…” He muttered, tugging on the sleeve of his hoodie. “I'll… figure something out.” 

He felt Hunk's hand on his shoulder. Even though he still did not trust himself to meet his eyes, he could hear the encouragement in his voice when he spoke softly. “You're gonna be okay. You know the bad feeling passes. You know that it gets better. We both know they can help you better that I can.”

Lance nodded numbly. “Y-yeah. Thanks.” He muttered, unconvinced. 

As Lance walked away from Hunk, the memory fizzled out as the Yellow Paladin ripped off his mind-melding helmet. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Hunk apologized, wiping the tears from his eyes as everyone looked to him with pity. "Sorry. This whole thing is just... Really messing me up..." 

If they were being candid, none of them slept the night before, all too worried or pent up from the events of the previous day. Trying to keep up with at least a small feeling of normalcy, Shiro had suggested they try their regular morning routine until their fifth woke from his stasis. The more they trained though, the more obvious it became that none of them were alright with their current situation, the hole in their circle where Lance should be seemed like a void within all of them. "It's okay." Shiro said, exhausted. "Let's take a break. We'll figure something out, Hunk." He wanted to say 'don't worry', but found he was unable to do so. 

"Should we have another meeting? Make a new game plan?" Pidge asked softly, taking off her glasses momentarily to rub her tired eyes. 

Shiro shook his head, rising to his feet. "When Lance wakes up. We'll work through this together. All of us." He responded dryly, as he headed out of the training deck. 

"Are you sure that's the best idea?" Keith snapped, rising to his feet. "Why should we include him when-"  
"Not now, Keith." Shiro cut him off harshly before leaving his subordinates alone. 

—

When he had ordered everyone to take a break, Shiro was secretly hoping that he would be able to get some sleep. After staying up all night keeping guard immediately after his fight with Sendak, he was exhausted. His body ached from a lack of rest, not to mention his injuries, and all he wanted to do was sleep. When he finally laid down, though, he found he was wide awake. He swore, staring up at the ceiling of his room restlessly. His mind was spinning. As though the stress of being the head of Voltron was not enough, he also had this on this plate now? He tried not to be angry with the Blue Paladin, but he was finding that task grow harder everyday. Shiro tried not to dwell on the past as he tried to form a new game plan in his head. He rolled over to his side, frustrated as he found himself too tired to concentrate on formulating one plan for very long, but also too stressed to get some well needed sleep. 

His rest was interrupted by a knock on his door. He sighed, sitting up in bed and letting out a tired “Yes?”

When the door slid open he was greeted by the form of the Red Paladin, shoulders slumped forward and bags under his eyes. “Hey.” He said softly. From across the small room, Shiro could tell how tired he was as well. He held out his hand and Keith took it delicately, sitting beside Shiro on the bed. There was a brief moment of silence before Keith opened one of his side pouches, pulling out a box of cigarettes and a lighter. Wordlessly he held them up as an offering to his boyfriend. 

Shiro shook his head, holding up a hand to wave off Keith's offer. “I quit before Kerberos. You know that.” He muttered, leaning back to rest against the wall.

“I also know someone's been stealing them from me.” Keith replied flatly, holding them out further towards his boyfriend. 

“And you're sure that's me?” Shiro asked, finding just enough energy to almost sound offended at the accusation.

The joke was lost on Keith as the Red Paladin argued with him. “The only other person that smokes is in a coma.” Was the sharp, tactless response.

The Black Paladin sighed, defeated as he took the offered objects. “Sorry…” Shiro muttered, stick between his teeth as he lit up a cigarette. 

Keith shrugged, leaning back against the wall to sit next to his boyfriend. He pulled his legs up to his chest as he lit one for himself. “Not that worried about it.” He muttered. “How are you holding up?” He asked as the small room began to fill with smoke.

Shiro let out a long sigh, exhaling smoke into the air. “I am.” He answered after a moment. As much as he wanted to be honest with his partner, he felt that it would be redundant to point out how exhausted and sore he was just like everyone else on the ship. Keith seemed to accept the answer without much of a question, as he did not say anything in response. Shiro was thankful that Keith understood. “What about you?” Shiro asked after a while, reluctantly leaning forward to prevent his ashes from falling into his bed. 

Keith shrugged nonchalantly, staring straight ahead of him and not daring to look at Shiro. “Fine.” 

Shiro knew Keith well enough to know that he was definitely not fine, but he also knew the younger would not take kindly to any prying or pushing that he might do. Doing his best not to stare at Keith, he tried to keep an eye him as the finished their cigarettes in quiet. When he was nearing the end of his stick, Shiro dared to break their silence. “Have you found a good place to put these when you’re done? Because I’ve just been–”

“Why doesn’t he like us?” Keith blurted out, flicking his cigarette butt across the small room before quickly pulling his arms back up to wrap around his knees. “Why is he so… Desperate to get away from us?”

Shiro swallowed at the loaded question. He took the final hit off of his smoke before dropping it to the floor and stomping it out. He would deal with that mess later, he decided before turning his attention fully back to Keith. Moving closer to his boyfriend, he carefully wrapped an arm around the narrow shoulders, pulling the younger close. “Hey. It’s not like that.” Shiro said carefully. “He likes us plenty. He just…” He let out a sigh, stalling as he thought of what to say next as Keith rested his head against his chest. “Doesn’t like himself very much. Which is why we have to be nice to him when he wakes up, okay?”

The Red Paladin did not dare to look up at him, instead choosing to remain with his head down and against Shiro. “But why then is he just not doing the…” Keith let out a frustrated sigh, squeezing his eyes tightly shut for a moment as he trailed off. Keith held up one finger, a familiar gesture between the two of them to give the younger a moment. Shiro waited patiently for Keith to recalibrate and start over. “Everyone is trying so hard to help him.” He finally said, dropping his hand and speaking slower this time and over enunciating each word. “Because he’s part of our team. But he’s still being an idiot and… Are we not trying hard enough?” Shiro could feel Keith shake slightly underneath his prosthetic and instinctively pulled him closer. “Am I not trying hard enough?” He asked quietly. 

“Keith, You can’t blame yourself for what happened to him.” Shiro said seriously. “You’ve been doing a lot to help out. I know I was really impressed with your bet that you and Lance came up with.” Shiro offered, giving Keith a comforting smile. “You’re doing your part, and I appreciate that. You just… have to keep it up, okay? Even when it…” Shiro let out a deep sigh, fighting to keep his eyes open. “Even if it’s hard sometimes. Even when you don’t want to.” 

Keith scoffed at the encouragement. “But it’s still not enough.” He muttered, feeling dejected. “I don’t… I don’t know what else to do…” He admitted. “I thought that… a stupid bet would be good enough to get him to stop for some stupid reason…” 

Shiro sat quietly for a moment, trying to figure out what to say to appease his boyfriend, if there was anything that could. He rubbed Keith’s shoulder gently. “You know how your brain is wired differently, and how it’s hard for you to talk to and read people?” There was slight hesitation from the younger paladin before he nodded carefully. “Well, Lance’s brain is wired differently, too.” He felt one of Keith’s arms wrap around his torso as he continued. “Only his brain is wired so that it’s hard for him to feel happy on his own. Everyone is different in here.” He said, resting the tip of his pointer finger against Keith’s forehead. When their eyes finally met, Shiro tried again to offer Keith a smile and was pleased when it was returned. “You’re different from Lance who’s different from Hunk who’s different from Pidge who’s different from me, but we’re all all a team, and we all have to be there for each other and support each other. Okay?”

Keith sighed, knowing that Shiro was right. He knew he had been hard on Lance lately, but it was hard for him to express his concerns, especially in such a foreign situation. He had been confused about the situation Lance had put them all in and worried about his well-being. Unfortunately, all of these emotions came out as anger towards his teammates. Deep down he knew he had not been handling the problem at hand appropriately, but he was not sure what else he could do. After a beat, Keith nodded. “So… What do we do now?” 

“I’m going to see if Hunk has any ideas.” Shiro answered. “Because, frankly, I’m all out like you.” He admitted, which earned him a small chuckle from Keith who found comfort in not being the only one to ask for help. “And then whenever Lance wakes up, I think we should ask him what he wants to do, too. Then we’ll just have to be patient with him.” Keith let out a frustrated sigh, not looking forward to the idea, but willing to try and be more helpful. “Hey now, don’t be like that.” Shiro scolded as his boyfriend sighed. “Patience…”

“Yields focus…” Keith finished, resting his head back down onto Shiro’s chest with a yawn. 

Shiro leaned down to plant a kiss on the top of Keith’s head. “Why don’t you rest for a bit?” He offered. “I’ll come back and get you when it’s time to get Lance, and we’ll figure this whole thing out. All of us. Together.” He punctuated as he rose off the bed, the Head of Voltron’s job was never done.

—

He was not okay. He was definitely not okay. He let out an Earth swear, kicking the kitchen counter while he paced. Hunk let out an angry sigh, turning back to the abundance of non-earthly ingredients that filled the island counter. “Fuck!” He swore again, throwing a few things into a pot. 

Shiro paused when he heard the commotion coming from the kitchen. Poking his head inside he was not surprised to find The Yellow Paladin slaving over something that already smelled amazing. “Hey.” He dared to call out, leaning on the door frame. “How're you holding up?” 

Hunk let out a sigh, not looking up from his work as he turned on the stove, setting his pot on the heating coils. “Fine.” Another sigh. “That was a lie. I'm sorry. I'm not fine.” He scowled, throwing a few spices into the pot as it began to sizzle. 

Shiro shook his head. “You don't have to be fine.” He comforted. “Do you want to talk about it?” He offered kindly.  
“I trusted him, ya know?” Hunk started as though the flood gates had opened and all of his anger came out while he cooked. “I really trusted him. And I knew better. I know how he is when he gets like this and I listened to his lies and I just looked the other way. I knew that he was at risk and I didn't do anything about it. He's… Fuck! He's a liar. He lies and he goes behind our backs and he hides this shit from his friends and family. And I want to be mad at him but I can't because it's not his fault, ya know? Like, I'm hurt, sure, but he…” Hunk swallowed, trying not to stir the contents of the pot too quickly as he spoke. “He's hurting so bad. So fucking bad. And… We all trusted him and I vouched for him. And you counted on me to make sure he was alright. And… I really thought that like, I was helping him and he was getting better this time and god I believed him when he said he was getting better.” Hunk chewed on his lip as he was definitely not going to cry in front of Shiro twice in one day. “But he wasn't and… I don't know what to do…” He said softly, pulling the pot off of the burner and turning the heat off. “Like, what happens when he wakes up? Nothing's going to change, Shiro. We're still going to be just as ineffective as we have been.”

The Black Paladin had remained quiet while his teammate vented to him, listening carefully as Hunk voiced what everyone else on the ship had been thinking. When Shiro felt he was expected to speak, he chose his words carefully. “It’s not your fault. None of this is your fault. You've been with him through this before and you both came out alright. After what you showed us this morning, what did you do?”

Hunk let out a scoff. “Last time it got this bad… I told his parents.” He responded simply, guilt thick in his voice. “He told me he was planning on killing himself and… I called his mom.” He poured two bowls of what looked like it could be ramen. He held one bowl out to Shiro who took it quietly. “They sent him to some… hospital rehab place. He spent about a month there, was home for about a week, then joined me at The Garrison. He… didn’t talk to me for a long time…”

It was definitely not noodles that Shiro was eating, still he had to admit that he was very impressed with whatever was in the bowl, strange crunch and all. He swallowed a bite before speaking. “And The Garrison thought he was mentally stable enough to be a pilot?“

Hunk shrugged, eating his lunch a bit slower than usual. “His doctors at the hospital checked 'no' on the danger to self or others box and the medicine they had him on was on The Garrison's approved list of anti-depressants so I don't really think anyone looked into it too deeply.” Hunk sighed, putting down his bowl half-eaten. “What can I do? I can't just call his mom up, or get him more pills.”

Shiro set down his bowl to rest a hand on Hunk's shoulder. “You're doing great. You can't hold yourself responsible for his actions. What he does to himself, Hunk? That’s on him. You are not solely responsible for his health and safety.” Shiro paused, looking the younger in the eyes in hope that he would find understanding before he moved on, “What we tried before didn't work so when he wakes up, we’ll try again. We reconvene and we make a new plan as a team. Don't worry. We're not going to give up on him.”

Hunk frowned. He tried to believe what his leader said, especially when he spoke with such confidence. He picked up his bowl again, nodding to the leader before he absently poked at his food. There had to be something that they could do. He was not about to give up on Lance, not ever. 

—

They all tensely waited outside of the pod for Lance to wake. As Coran checked his vitals, the rest of them huddled around their injured teammate as soon as the Altean declared he should be ready to wake soon. “I can’t tell if he looks healthy or not…” Hunk admitted, looking over everyone else’s shoulders. 

“I think he’s breathing weird…” Pidge noted, pressing her nose to the glass of the pod, studying him carefully. She had watched Lance unconscious in the pods enough times to know what was ‘normal’ breathing for him, unfortunately. 

Growing impatient, Keith scowled. “Oh, come on!” He exclaimed, easily reaching over Pidge towards the buttons on the cryo-pod, as though he knew which one would open the glass door. 

“Not yet!” Allura barked back, slapping Keith’s hand away from the control panel. “A few more ticks.”

Not liking being slapped one bit, Keith argued back. “How much better do you think he’s gonna get in a few more ticks?” 

“And what exactly is a tick?” Pidge asked, pulling away from the glass just enough to glance up at Allura.  
“You know… A time slice.” Allura offered as though that should be obvious to her Paladins. 

All it took was Shiro to offer what he thought might be the Earth equivalent of a tick for the members of Team Voltron’s focus to shift off of their fallen comrade and to comparing the different races’ time intervals. So caught up in this new information that they all measured time differently, they did not seem to notice when Lance’s cryo-pod opened, ejecting him into the cold room. 

It took him a moment to place where he was. Lance’s vision came in and out of focus for a moment as he took a few shaky steps forward. He swayed back and forth as he walked, lightheaded as he had never spent that much time in his pod before. It took him a few ticks, but soon realized that everyone was there. Had they been waiting for him? Lance found that hard to believe as he got closer and realized that they were all huddled around Pidge’s stopwatch. “You guys having a clock party?” He muttered, his joke falling flat as his delivery was groggier than he would have liked it to be.

“Aw, Lance, you just ruined it.” Hunk retorted back reflexively before he could realize what he had said. At the sound of his best friend’s voice behind him, Hunk briefly forgot his anger and immediately swept Lance up in a tight hug. “Hey! Lance!” He exclaimed, easily lifting the Blue Paladin off the ground. 

Something was not right, Lance thought as he was gently lowered back down to his feet. He narrowed his eyes, looking around the room as everyone stared at him expectedly. He had spent more than his fair share in the cry-pods, but never before had he felt this disoriented right after. Usually when he stepped out, it was only Pidge and sometimes Coran waiting for him. He wondered why everyone else had been waiting for him as well, but more importantly, he wondered why he could not remember anything before stepping out of the pod. “What happened?” He asked with a frown, leaning heavily on Hunk to stand.

“We can tell you all about it while you get something to eat.” There was a hesitation, and then a delicate hand on his back as Allura spoke kindly to him. “Are you able to walk?”

Why was everyone being so nice to him? He wanted to ask. Instead, what came out was, “Talking? Eating? Are you asking me out on a date?” 

—

He had to admit that he felt better as soon as he sat down and got some food in him. He even welcomed the usually bitter taste of food goo and the energy the Altean meal provided. He tried his best to listen intently while everyone gave him the play-by-play of their adventures that he missed out on, but found it hard to focus. Lance tried to swallow down the feelings of guilt along with his meal as he heard about the great lengths Shiro and Pidge went through to keep him safe while he was unconscious. Bits and pieces of the night began to come back to him as he was reminded. He could remember the frantic yelling of his teammates. He could remember the pain in his back and neck. “You wouldn’t have survived the explosion if Hunk and Coran hadn’t gotten a new crystal.” He remembered talking to Coran right before…

He resorted to giving the rest of his meal to the eagerly begging mice, dread filling his stomach as he vaguely remembered the things he might have said to Coran. “Wow. Thanks everybody.” Lance managed out, forcing a smile on his face as he tried his best to pull the attention off of himself by dropping a snide at Keith, who snapped back in a way that made Lance at least momentarily feel like everything was back to normal. He desperately continued to keep the conversation off of him. What happened to Sendak? What was the plan now? The longer they remained in the dining hall, the more worried Lance became that he might be in trouble, especially if Coran had said something to someone. Earth etiquette stated that if someone was talking about being gone the way Lance had been when he was drunk, someone should be alerted, or action should be taken. He wondered briefly if Alteans had the same rules. 

Lucky for him, Hunk seemed equally as eager end their conversation to get started on their new mission. Lance wondered briefly if Hunk knew. 

—

It had certainly been an enlightening lunch, Lance had thought as the team dispersed momentarily to change into their armor before taking off in the castle that was apparently also a space ship. He was thankful to be out from underneath the eyes of the rest of his teammates, but still noticed that Hunk was sent back to his room as his escort. The two changed in silence, which only seemed to add to the tension between them. 

Lance removed his jacket, turning his back to Hunk as he looked over his clean arms. He had noticed before when he was changing out of his healing body suit that the cut on his arm was gone, not even a scar left behind. He was sure at least someone had seen it before putting him in the pod. Someone had to have. Someone knew. The way Hunk was ignoring him made Lance worry that it had been the Yellow Paladin to find the cuts. He hated that he had not been able to tell Hunk to his face, but he also had to admit that he was not planning on telling anyone anyway. Still, the last thing Lance wanted to do was start a mission with is best friend mad at him. He really did not want to jump into anything as the ship was taking off, but Lance could not stop himself from opening his own mouth. “Before we head out.” He started. Lance’s words caught in his throat as he watched Hunk’s shoulders tense out of the corner of his eye. “We’re… We’re cool… Right, buddy?” He pushed on, continuing to face away from his teammate. 

Hunk took in a deep breath, pausing his dressing to exhale slowly through his lips. Every part of him wanted to snap at Lance for hurting himself and lying and worrying everyone. Lance began to speak once more and Hunk held up a finger, silencing him. He took another deep breath before he trusted himself to speak. “Are you serious right now?” He asked darkly, grabbing a hold of Lance’s shoulder to turn him around so they could face each other. “What do you think, Lance?”

The Blue Paladin let out a shaky breath. “I-I just… Wanna make sure everything’s okay… Before the big mission… Y-You know?” He asked fearfully. He could feel his face heating up and tears welling up in his eyes as he stared up at his best friend. “I, uh, was having a bad day before the… Sendak…” He found himself struggling with words as Hunk waited patiently for him to finish. “I thought… Maybe we could… Talk…”

Hunk nodded for a moment. He had not wanted to fight, but if Lance wanted to start something, he would certainly finish it. “You wanna talk, Lance?” He asked, pulling away from his friend to turn back to his discarded clothes. He shuffled through the pockets of his vest for a moment, before pulling out something that hit the lights and shined briefly. Lance’s breath caught in his throat when he realized what it might be. “Then why don’t you start with telling me where you got this?” Hunk asked, his voice cracking as he dared to ask the hard question. He held the small blade out between them, his hand shaking as he held onto the weapon. 

Lance did not dare to look up at his best friend, instead choosing to focus on the blade. “I… ” He swallowed, eyes burning as he answered the question. “Last time I was home on break fro The Garrison, I went to visit my sister, and James always has a bunch of box cutters for work and… I stole a pack of his spare blades.”

“So how did one end up here? In space?” Hunk continued, tears pricking at his eyes as he stared Lance down. 

At this, Lance shut his eyes, knowing that he was not going to like his answer. He tightened his hands into fists to stop himself from grabbing the blade out of Hunk’s hand. He dared to answer softly. “I just… always keep one on me. Just…In case I need one…” 

At this, Hunk snapped. “In case you need one? Why would you ever need one?” He yelled, much to the surprise of his fellow paladin. 

“What do you want me to say, man?” He asked softly. “I’m messed up. I… I’m broken…” As he spoke he could feel tears running down his face. “I didn’t ask to be this way. I didn’t ask to be wired like a crazy person! I feel, like, nothing all the time. I can’t get out of bed in the mornings and the idea of eating makes me feel sick even though I’m, like, living the dream, ya know?” He began to stutter out how he felt, not bothering to try and stop the tears from falling. “I’m a fighter pilot. I’m in space with my own ship fighting to save the world, like some super hero. And I’m with you and my hero, like I should be happy, right? But… I don’t even know why The Blue Lion chose me… And when things start to get even the smallest bit stressful my first instinct is to hide and there’s this voice in my head that’s like, ‘Hey. Stuff’s hard. Cut yourself.’ And I don’t know how to turn it off. And-And…” His voice caught in his throat as he began to sob. “I don’t want to… But… These thoughts in my head… I can’t turn them off…” He looked up at Hunk pitifully, not surprised when Lance saw that they were both crying. “What… What else can I do?” He asked desperately. 

“You don’t give up.” A voice called from the still open doorway. When Hunk and Lance did not return to the bridge, Shiro had grown worried and set out to find them. He did not mean to eavesdrop on the conversation, but also could not help the feelings of anxiety rising up in his chest as Lance spoke. “We’re all a team now.” Shiro said, trying his best to keep his voice level and calm for his subordinates. He approached the two of them and Lance quickly wiped his eyes, wondering how much Shiro had heard. “We’re all we have out here.” He continued, resting a hand carefully on Lance’s shoulder. “And, you’re right, stuff is hard, but Hunk and I aren’t going to give up on you. No one is giving up on anyone.” He said seriously, looking between the two of them. After a moment, the two young Paladin’s exchanged glances before nodding. “We’re almost to the Balmera. We’re gonna get in, do our job, and get out. Then the seven of us are gonna have a meeting. We’re gonna make a plan to get those thoughts to at least quiet down a little, alright?” When Lance nodded, Shiro gave his shoulder a light squeeze. “Now in the meantime no one is giving up on you. But that means you can’t give up on yourself either.”

Lance looked between Hunk and Shiro for a moment. He was amazed that after all of the lies he had said, and after how much he had hurt them, they were both still there looking out for him. Everyone was still there for him. He wanted to do right by his team and get better for them. Lance wanted to get better for himself. He turned to Hunk, a nervous look on his face. He held out his hand. “Hunk… Can I?” He asked softly. 

Hunk hesitated. He glanced over to Shiro who gave him an awkward shrug, not sure what Lance was planning. As scared as he was, he knew that he had to trust Lance. If they were going to work together in his recovery, they had to trust him to lead the way. Turning back to his best friend, he gave him a nod before handing the small razor blade over. 

Lance’s fist curled around the sharp metal. For a moment he found comfort in the familiar feeling of cool metal against his skin. He took a deep breath before turning away from them. If he was going to be serious about getting better, then he had to do this. With shaking hands, he opened a small hole in the wall of the room for trash disposal. He took a deep breath, squeezing down around the blade just enough to sting for a quick moment before releasing his grip. He watched for a moment as the razor fell into the darkness towards wherever trash was stored on the ship. “Okay. We can go n—” Lance’s words were cut off as he felt a pair of strong arms wrap around him. 

He closed his eyes at the familiar feeling of one of Hunk’s hugs. For a few ticks, Lance began to panic, almost immediately regretting his decision to get rid of it altogether. Those feelings quickly subsided, though, when he heard Hunk crying over him. For the first time in a long while he felt like he was doing the right thing when he could make out Hunk’s soft words. “Thank you. Thank you so much…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to apologize for the crazy long hiatus. Some things happened earlier this year and I had to get a new therapist and kinda revisit some self-care stuff before I could get this chapter out. I'm doing a lot better now, and I'm hoping that the next few chapters will come quickly.  
> Thank you all so so much for sticking with me. Your love and support and comments really helped me through. <3


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